Release Date: Friday, July 29, 2005

What distorts your perception?

I am learning to appreciate what is. And that means giving less attention to what was and what might be in the future.

It also means giving less attention to what might be now based on connotation that I attach to things — a net worth, a car, a home, a divorce, a muscular body, a title or a degree.

Early in my career, I worked in human resources. I assessed a person based on a piece of paper, an interview and test scores. I recommended and hired good employees, but I may have passed up some better ones.

In our personal lives, we have the luxury of more than a piece of paper, an interview and test scores. We fail to take advantage of that luxury, though, when we judge somebody solely based on the worth we attach to packaging.

I disposed of hundreds of resumes simply because they were folded, considering only those in 9 x 12 envelopes. I squeezed a screening process into the time I could allow for it.

I also have a screening process for dates, but I can allow as much time as I care to and I can assign less weight to the outer layers. It feels good not to give a point for every dollar somebody's willing to spend on dinner or for the watch he's wearing.

More expensive is more expensive, not better. Granted, a million-dollar house says something about a person and so does a modest apartment. But look at what they really say.

Don't assume that because he has well-developed muscles he feels good about himself, or that because she has money she has discriminating taste. Don't assume that because he has three ex-wives he can't live happily ever after with you.

Don't assume that a doctor is a better “catch” than a gymnastics coach. The doctor may have gone to medical school because she was afraid to stand up to her father while the gymnastics coach followed her passion.

Assess what's really important to you — rather than inadvertently assigning points for what's not important to you. And don't get too enamored of (or repulsed by) what was or what might be. Look at what is. That's real. Any security you attach to what's not real is a false sense of security.

And honor your feelings. Don't be deceived into thinking that only what you can see or quantify is real.

Too often we evaluate people on what we can see and forget to assign points for what we cannot see. And what we cannot see, but can feel, is more important. When you catch yourself discounting what you feel based on what you see, stop.

Don't dismiss the love of your life because he drives a truck. Don't miss out on living your dream because she doesn't look like that picture in a magazine. And please, don't miss out on loving yourself because you get a lousy score on an ill-conceived test.

Money is important. It can pay for things — trips, art, a home, toys, an education, even a lifestyle. But it is still only money. It can't pay for feelings. It can't conjure up a happy home or heart. It can't rid you of loneliness or fear.

Don't judge what is based on some set of attachments you have to a thing. If you have attached feeling good about yourself or your accomplishments to a big house, rent a big house for a week and see if you feel any different. A big house is only a big house. A perfect nose is only a perfect nose. A degree is only a degree.

Reassess the meaning you attach to things. And look at what is; feel what is.