Release Date: Friday, August 19, 2005

How do you know when you're in love?

Remember when you thought being infatuated enough to say “I do” meant you were in love?

Chances are, you have since learned that to commit based on infatuation is costly — because infatuation is blind (love is not).

Nonetheless, infatuation thrills and empowers. And while infatuation is not an accurate representation of being in love, it is a wonderfully accurate representation of possibility.

When we are infatuated, we take on a new perspective. Somehow, we will eradicate the relentless weeds, and little Johnny will be just fine. No problem is bigger than we are. We can see with purpose beyond the obstacles, and life is full of wonder again.

The misconception is that the person we are infatuated with is responsible for validating us and making everything OK. That person simply triggers — along with consuming sexual urges — our hope of connecting with a source of strength and meaning.

The hope is real; and the source of everything we could want is real and already exists within us.

So, is infatuation only a poor substitute for self-love? What does it mean to be in love? Is there such a thing? Is being in love … merely infatuation?

You get to decide if you want to define being in love as something attainable or if you simply want to write it off as another Santa Claus to stop believing in.

You can't kill the desire to connect with another human being. Even after you have learned to love yourself and connected with your true source, there's still something magical and powerful about gushing out the words "I love you." And when they come from a unified body and mind and spirit, they stop the world.

Being in love means having sexual urges backed by our whole being. When we can respond to erotic attraction with more than our body, we have a shot (grant it, a long one) at being in love.

When you want to know the depth of her spirit as much as you want to know the depth of her body, you are on to something more than her body. When you want to understand his thinking more than you want to understand his financial statement, you can begin to know him.

Infatuation, as incredible as it feels, wears off when we realize that we can't find salvation in somebody else — regardless of how hot or wealthy or talented that somebody is. Chemistry need not wear off, though. It can be more than a physical attraction. And it can be enhanced by a connection, or intimacy, that lasts forever.

And when commitment is founded on a connection, it, too, can last forever. I'm not talking about the kind of commitment you make to stay no matter what. I'm talking about the kind of commitment you continually make from your heart. It's tough to associate gritting your teeth until the kids grow up with being in love.

Being in love means wanting to commit; and it means wanting to maintain commitment. So, it can't be based on a temporary infatuation. It must be based on an enduring connection — an unshakable connection made on a core level.

A passing connection because you're both surfing or hiking for the summer isn't enough. A list of facts — name, date of birth, height, weight, occupation, interests — isn't enough. Yet, we sometimes reduce our knowing to little more than that.

A deep knowing is prerequisite to a deep connection and to being in love. And ideally it is accompanied by chemistry. So, don't dismiss infatuation or act on it too quickly.

Recognize infatuation as a potential and glorious opportunity to know somebody deeply and fall in love.