Release Date: Friday, February 2, 2007

Take partnership from complex to simple

It used to be that one partner brought home the proverbial bacon for the other partner to fry.

Now, it seems each partner is expected to deliver the bacon, analyze its nutritional value and serve it in a healthy recipe with a French name.

Marriage used to be a partnership in survival of the species — read: nurturing and providing for a family — because that's what life was about. Life is about much more now. Or is it?

We have moved from meeting our basic needs for food and shelter at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, only to get stuck at self-esteem.

We postpone a family and work for a promotion. We save to provide "higher" education for our kids — after giving them 12 years full of extracurricular activities. And maybe we get a second home to vacation — and work — in. We can't seem to accomplish or acquire enough to feel good about ourselves.

Nonetheless, life is more complex. We have time for more than gathering, eating and sleeping. And we are inundated with options. Some of us work harder, some hurry home to sit in front of the TV, some get dressed up to be entertained. Some of us fill every moment, thinking we can have it all.

And that's a sure sign that we haven't quite figured out what "it all" is. We have more chances, more dead-ends to find.

Some of us move on to self-actualization, after realizing that self-esteem only comes from being true to one's self. Simplicity has a way of eluding us. But when we persist, we find out what is truly worthwhile … and take solace in the simple.

"I would not give a fig for the simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity," said Oliver Wendell Holmes.

That simplicity includes Maslow's self-actualization needs: Unity, balance and harmony, justice, richness, essence, spontaneity, beauty, benevolence, individuality, ease, truth, autonomy and meaningfulness.

When we have realized self-esteem and self-actualization, money and accomplishment and fame may come, but they are not what drives us. We have nothing to prove to society — or our partners.

Perhaps that's why we see a trend toward commitment and family without legally marrying. A recent survey by Harlequin points to examples like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

When my husband asked me to marry him last year, he also asked whether I wanted a ring. And I told him that my ego wanted a bigger ring than he had given anybody else, but that I didn't want to come from my ego. He said he didn't feel like he had to prove his love to me with a big diamond.

We wear matching bands. My ego is still there, but we try not to feed it.

Our catch phrase is, "All we need is food and kisses." We are partners in sharing food and love with each other and others. And everything else is part of the complexity that we try not to get too caught up in.

The complexity is still there, though. It shows up when you go to buy a new stove (starting at $199) or hire help to get the job done or decide which school to send your kids to.

Once we have found simplicity on the other side of complexity, we realize the value of both. One's worth living and dying for. The other is part of learning which is which.

It doesn't really matter who brings home the bacon or who fries it, just so you eat it together … and teach your children what's important.

The truth is still the truth.