Release Date: Friday, February 23, 2007

Survive this, and you can survive anything

People in long-distance relationships may think that enduring separation is the tough part. It's not.

It's being together day in and day out that challenges us on every conceivable level. Intimate relationships test us to the very core … and just realizing that can help us breathe with the punches.

A recent study by Laura Stafford, an associate professor at The Ohio State University found three reasons for why breaking up skyrockets when long-distance couples move to the same location.

First, couples say their time together is no longer special, and they feel taken for granted.

Second, they miss the freedom to spend their time the way they want to, without accounting to somebody.

Third, their partner or relationship just isn't as great as they thought (in terms of compatibility)!

It immediately struck me that these same three reasons explain why dissatisfaction often skyrockets when couples marry!

For some, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” They romanticize and idealize while apart about how it will be when they are together ALL the time. They also minimize what they can't handle up close … “out of sight, out of mind.” Two conflicting cliches — both true.

Susan and Peter lived in the same town, but they didn't see each other on Thursdays when Peter met the guys after work. Once they were married, Susan felt taken for granted when Peter asked her to leave his share of dinner on the stove. He'd come home and bang around in the kitchen, then eat in front of the TV while she smoldered in bed.

And when Peter got the cold shoulder and 20 questions, he felt badgered. He resented having to explain blow-by-blow what he did to get home so late.

Nobody has to be wrong for a partner to feel unappreciated, mistrusted or even betrayed.

When you are not living together — or even in the same town — it's easy to see differences as complementary and quirks as sweet, rather than annoying. When you only spend weekends together, you might, with good intentions, avoid discussion that could turn unpleasant.

If you are in for the long haul, though, you might as well jump in as though you have nothing to be afraid of. You can live through a separation — now or later — but to simply postpone it is foolish.

It is best to get a close-up and personal look at Susan before you move across the country OR marry her. Make sure it's not the clothes or the make-up or the title that you are attracted to. Make sure you are not expecting her to cook every night the way she does once a month.

And when Peter says he likes to have a couple of beers with the guys after work on Thursdays, ask him what that looks like. If he starts to act threatened by your question, you know it was a really good question to ask NOW.

Be who you are before jumping in. Be who you are together before jumping in. Let the dynamics roll. Look at them; talk about them. And don't kid yourself. If you can't talk about them, you probably can't live with them either.

Life is big. Get to know what all of it looks like for you as a couple. Don't focus on the part of the picture that's good and think that's enough, without exploring the rest of the picture.

Look at what you both like to do, how comfortable you are together with and without other people, with and without conversation. Do you LIKE each other?

Then, if you want to make the leap — it's still a leap of faith — jump. Expect to be tested. And expect to pass.