Release Date: Friday, March 2, 2007

Answers start with caring

Women generally ask more questions than men do. They're like attorneys, though. They already know the answers.

OK, they don't always know the answers; sometimes they just think they do. Sometimes they are earnestly looking. And sometimes they are just showing an obligatory interest!

Men think they are supposed to have the answers, so they tend to ask fewer questions. But there are some answers we have to seek to find — even if we are men.

My husband frequently asks me what I want for dinner. I realized the other day, though, that his question serves as an opening to tell me what HE wants. In fairness, he knows he's more concerned about what's for dinner than I am.

But guess what, my concern is mounting. When I could eat what I wanted virtually every night, as a single person, it didn't seem to matter too much what it was. Truth is, I made conscious choices, though. And I loved what I ate.

I am tired of chicken … it has never been one of my favorite foods!

What are you tired of? If nobody is asking, take it upon yourself to tell them anyway AND do something about it. If you don't, you will start to resent it and lose who you are, a piece at a time. That means being miserable; you don't want to be miserable.

Please don't assume that because your partner doesn't ask, he (or she) doesn't care. Tell him, and see if he cares! If he does, he'll be happy to know. If he doesn't, maybe you can help him learn that caring is part of love.

Men (and women), if you want more answers, ask more questions. You don't have to know what she wants for her birthday. You can ask!

There's great freedom in realizing that it is OK not to know. You can find out what you don't know by simply asking AND waiting for the answer.

Women (and men), you can quit asking questions you don't really want the answers to — great freedom in realizing that, as well. You don't have to feel guilty for not wanting all the answers! Ah, but do ask any sincere question … and try not to assume you already have the answer, and that anything else is a lie or a brushoff.

Tip: If you think it's a lie or a brushoff, consider that maybe the man (or woman) doesn't have ready access to the answer. Give him a chance to think about it, without assuming or accusing. Twenty questions can be counterproductive!

At the first sign of frustration, whether you are a man or a woman, try to remember what attracted you to your partner.

Women tend to choose men based on their dominance or resources. Powerful men may be more apt to pay for dinner than to ask what you want for dinner. And they may overlook what they don't know, especially if it doesn't seem to add to their power.

Men tend to choose women based on their fertility. Granted, that can mean youth and a certain hip-to-waist ratio, but it can also mean caring and nurturing, accompanied by questions.

If you and your partner can accept each other as-is, you can also help each other grow.

It can be very difficult NOT to personalize a partner's behavior. When your husband doesn't seem to care, it feels like that's about you. When your wife doesn't seem to trust you, it feels like that's about you.

But sometimes the behavior we personalize is more about gender differences than either us OR our partners. And the most important gender difference of all is what brings us together!