Release Date: Friday, March 9, 2007

Put money on the agenda

With the way money drives our society, it's no surprise that we list it as one of the top reasons for divorce. What is surprising is that we don't see it coming.

Unlike love, money can be quantified. Issues surrounding it can be laid out in a clear, straightforward manner. They seldom are, though.

For some, the subject of money is taboo until they are already in a committed relationship. And even then, it can be as difficult to approach as bad breath.

Three good reasons to do it anyway: 1) Because money IS a sensitive subject, talking about it builds intimacy. 2) Not talking about it gives rise to walls, even financial disaster and divorce. 3) Lack of money creates tension!

If Ann is embarrassed to talk about money, when she does it anyway, she opens a deep part of herself to her partner. Only then does she have a shot at feeling deeply known and loved.

If Bob is afraid that his partner will find his income inadequate, not talking about it is like holding up a mask, a mask that gets heavy … and eventually comes tumbling down.

There is no innocent form of deceit. Don't kid yourself into thinking that you can or need to "protect" your partner from the truth. The truth helps bring people together so that they can work as a team — or part company while they still respect each other!

Two people have to trust each other to be happy; they do not have to have a lot of money to be happy.

As Paul McCartney put it in The Beatles song:

Most of us need money for sustenance and obligations, though, even if we prefer to live a simple lifestyle. And it is difficult enough to come up short on funds, without also coming up short on trust.

In Bambi Holzer's new book "Financial Bliss," she suggests that couples who plan to combine their finances go on a "financial first date."

"We need a forum to open up," Holzer tells me. "Our parents didn't talk about money, and we may think we have something to be embarrassed about — whether it's a lack of money or a lack of knowledge."

If money is an issue — whether you are still contemplating union or you have been married for years — why not make a date? Try to start with two clean slates — one for you and one for your partner. Don't accuse and don't defend.

Holzer's "money personalities" can help you present and understand your views. Look at where you and your partner each fit into the three categories to form a money personality:

SPENDING
Econo Lodgers — frugal and self-sufficient
Ritz-Carltons — spend large percentages of their income on "bling"

RISK TOLERANCE
Texas Slims — feel they need to take big risks to make big gains
Worst-Case Scenarists — safety and security are more important than return

DECISION MAKING
Data Darlings — employ pure rationality
Drama Queens/Kings — let emotion trump rationality
Ostriches — decide to completely avoid getting into the game

Once you understand each other, you can compromise. You can complement each other … even have fun with the differences. Once they're out in the open, they're not nearly as scary.

And even if your finances come tumbling down, at least you won't be looking on aghast and alone.