Release Date: Friday, April 6, 2007

You can pay too much for sex — no matter how good it is

Finally, you get to snuggle and fall asleep in the same bed every night. There's no limit to how often or where you can undress each other … two little rabbits in the same cage.

Cage? Wait, that means a locked door and mess to clean up. Are you even going to feel like undressing each other? You could turn into your parents or Aunt Edith and Uncle John. They started with passion.

For many, routine becomes boring, and familiarity demystifies and desensitizes. It is difficult to spit toothpaste into the same sink everyday without losing some sex appeal.

Many trade passion for commitment; but for some that would mean — does mean — breaking their commitment. They want fireworks as well as a trusted companion.

"Women are chagrined to discover that the very stability, closeness and comfort they crave are exactly what douse the fireworks," says Esther Perel, couples therapist and author of "Mating in Captivity."

She says that after the dissatisfied lamentations about the kids, the house and the lack of time trail off, she sees people who are such good friends, they cannot sustain being lovers … and that increased intimacy is often accompanied by decreased desire.

Intimacy — truly knowing each other and connecting based on what you know — is the stronghold of a relationship. So, while most therapists are encouraging more communication to enhance sex, Perel says that a certain amount of uncertainty feeds desire.

I think the key is realizing that there's always more to learn about your partner. Intimacy and disclosure are ongoing; you don't get to know your partner once and for all. You are both living, growing organisms, and you change from one day to the next. The mystery is never really gone; uncertainty lives on.

We see a poignant example of this when two partners are equally bored and looking outside the marriage for excitement, excitement they could find within the marriage.

"Exposing fantasies helps us understand what we're seeking, not only sexually but emotionally," says Perel. "Revealing these to someone you're so close with is scary. But taking that risk can pay off in greater excitement and, ultimately, greater understanding of one another."

I agree, but that's growing intimacy and desire — not just desire! And, even in everyday matters, body language is 60-70 percent of communication. It makes sense, particularly in sexual communication, to use our bodies as openly and honestly as we try to use our voices. Most of us have more to say sexually than we are saying.

Still, ask yourself the question -- and don't be afraid to say the words out loud with your partner — do you really want more sex OR do you just think you are supposed to want it? Sex plays a much bigger role in the media than it need play in a healthy relationship. In fact, much of what we see in the media is specific to unhealthy relationships!

Perel explains that sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. She also explains that our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion.

Nonetheless, we both agree that you can have secure love and passion.

But before you seize more or better sex, consider what it costs. Maybe what you really want is more lovemaking. Sex sells -- and that's what many of the books promise. I wonder, though, if it's because we simply don't know enough about lovemaking. It's worth exploring.

So is friendship. I think the best friend you can be is also the best lover you can be.