Release Date: Friday, May 11, 2007

Truth leads to peace

Question:

I am a sophomore in high school and will be 16 in May. I am very mature for my age, as so many people have told me. I am writing this letter because I have a boyfriend a few states away and he is eight years older. I know most people have a problem with this, and I understand why. I love him, and he respects me and loves me for who I am. I met him here two years ago when he was on vacation and have been in a relationship ever since. It's hard to be in a long-distance relationship when I never get to see him. I have been trying to get my mom to let him come see me for my 16th birthday. He won't come unless she allows it. I don't know how to get her to say yes. Any advice on how to make her feel comfortable and let him come see me?

Response:

I think I understand how you feel. Nonetheless, I respect that your boyfriend won't visit unless your mom allows it. And while I don't want to assume sexual activity, I trust you and your boyfriend know that would raise a legal issue.

My advice is to adjust your goal. Instead of trying "to make her feel comfortable and let him come," why not set the goal to talk with your mom and reach the best decision? That goal requires that you open your mind to the possibility that your mom is using wisdom, maybe the same wisdom you would use as a mother. I'm not saying your mom is "right," or that you are "wrong," but when we open up to the possibility that somebody else's viewpoint is just as viable as our own, we make way for truth. We allow the highest good for everybody to be served.

Perhaps you will share my response with your mom...and the two of you can talk with the premise that you can both learn from the other's view.

Although my advice is to adjust your goal, I think this is also your best shot at getting your mom to change her mind! I also think it's her best shot at getting you to change yours!

Wishing you the best of you — life and love.
__________

I don't know how our mature young woman will receive my advice. It takes most of us much longer to get this lesson. When we think we are right, we can get stuck there, as though any other view must be wrong.

Granted, a mother is responsible for imposing her best judgment. In partnerships we look for more balance, and one of the most harmonious ways to find it is to open to the fact — at least the possibility — that your partner's view is valid.

You may protest, "But the man didn't think it through." Perhaps he doesn't think the issue warrants analysis. If you do, ask him to consider thinking about it. You can ask without making him wrong.

You still have harmony, and if he indulges you, you have a basis for two-way dialogue! If one of you is inclined to talk for five minutes and the other for an hour, honor each other. Don't assume you're right!

We can get along! The problem is that when we have to choose between being right and being at peace, we sometimes choose being right. We are not always right…even if we think we are.

We may hold on to that status, but we can never really have it — except in our own minds. And the greater the disparity between what we cling to and reality, the greater the stress.

The truth is the truth — whether we are 16 or 36 or 66. We cannot change it. We can create more stress.