Release Date: Friday, July 13, 2007

Grow into your in-laws

I recently got an e-mail asking if I'd ever written on how to deal with in-laws. I haven't. For the longest time, I didn't have any...and you weren't asking. The time is ripe: I have spent the last year dealing with my new mother-in-law and her only son.

It's a challenge. Why weren't you asking?

The thing is that all of our relationships stem from our relationship with self. When we know and love who we are, we also know and understand and love others. They are not so different from us.

Therein lies the problem. What most irritates us about others is what would most irritate us about ourselves — if we weren't denying it.

Maybe, for example, your mother-in-law shows off her cleavage. It drives you nuts … she's an old woman, for God's sake. You're a young woman, and you don't do that. You would never do that. Ah, but maybe you would like to! Maybe you don't do it because you'd feel guilty or cheap. Maybe you judge yourself as harshly for wanting to as you judge her for doing it.

Or maybe your father-in-law seems self-absorbed — even when you're buying dinner, he chooses the restaurant and whatever is "Market Price" on the menu. It's brazen and rude! You resent it. You've always tried to be considerate and ordered pasta or chicken — regardless of what you wanted — when somebody else was picking up the check.

If you learned that it was selfish to spend too much on yourself or, God forbid, expect somebody else to, you probably shy away from doing it. When you learned to detest the quality, you also learned to disown it. You're not about to be selfish — at least not out loud, not in the company of others.

The ones who get closest to us find buttons we didn't know we had, and when they do, we can attack, without realizing why.

If we make our own parents out to be total louses, that could reflect poorly on us. And while our spouses are big button-pushers, we married them...and we don't want to make ourselves out to be complete idiots. Ah, but our in-laws are safe targets.

If our sweethearts have messed-up parents, they also have an excuse for being a little messed up. And, if our sweethearts are a little messed up, it's easier to make them wrong when they disagree with us.

Besides, our in-laws can represent a threat. They have a way of competing for our sweetheart's attention. If your husband wants to spend time with you in your parents' home for the holiday, that's sweet. If he'd rather spend time with his family than with you, though you're invited as well, that's not so sweet.

No wonder in-laws have earned — or been given, as the case may be — a bad name.

A little understanding can help us to be more aware of the dynamics, but let's face it, sometimes our pain and anger erupt right through our awareness. And some in-laws, like some of the people who marry their children, are truly challenging.

Here's some solid ground for all of us to fall back on, to keep us from overreacting and fueling anger.

Treat people the way you would want to be treated if you were in their place.

Don't personalize other people's behavior. If they are having a bad day, it is not about you; if they are unkind, it is not about you.

Be true to yourself; do what you can do from your heart. YOUR behavior is about you. Be the best person you can be — that's also the best partner, in-law and friend you can be.

And, yes, I realize that being your best can be like getting along with your in-laws — it's a daily challenge. But it's also the only way to be happy.