Release Date: Friday, November 2, 2007

Just friends...or true friends?

The mere term "mixed company" reminds us that men and women used to be more segregated. Work, education and networking provide more than opportunity — they practically dictate a mingling of the sexes.

So, wouldn't refusing friendship with the opposite sex paint an impractical, dated and stoic picture of warm, progressive you? Several years ago when I suggested lunch to a male employee, he suggested his wife join us. While it was a lovely lunch, in retrospect, it didn't serve the purpose.

Was I wrong to suggest lunch? Was my including the wife a knee-jerk reaction? I could have said, "Oh, I understand your wanting to include her, but in the interest of getting the job done, would you be open to lunch in the conference room?"

"I know it doesn't sound fair or politically correct, but married men and women simply cannot be friends with the opposite sex," says Michelle Callahan, Ph.D., psychologist and life coach.

Can they still work together, lunch together and serve the community together? And, in a growing number of cases, can they still parent together?

If you've been dumped for somebody your partner was "just friends" with, you are probably skeptical of male-female friendships. And if you've watched divorced couples fall back into sex (or even marriage) together, you know that can happen as well.

Can men and women truly be "just friends"? They can. They are. Some of my dearest friends are men. And no, guys — not all of you ogle female friends.

The term just friends, though, can disparage the role of friends. When you can tell somebody anything and count on him (or her) to still be there through life's inevitable surprises, you have a companion, a confidant, a source of strength.

No wonder people run off with "just friends" — or "not just friends," as the case may be — especially if they don't have a true friend at home!

While you can certainly (or not so certainly) maintain a professional line in business, how guarded do you want to be outside of work, with friends? So, what do you do — send your partner off to be friendly? Is that trusting or foolish?

It depends. How good of friends are you and your partner? How much time do you spend together? Do you still take time to get to know each other? You don't get to know each other once and for all; it's an ongoing process. You're both growing, expanding your horizons...and befriending more people.

Your partner is going to make friends — with or without any strategic effort, with or without your blessing. Don't try to stop it. Do make yourself a part of it!

A few tips:

• Be a best friend to your partner.


• Let your partner be your best friend.


• Choose close friends carefully.


• Share friends — occasionally join your partner and his (or her) friends.

You don't have to play chaperone to play a role in your partner's friendships. Show your interest and join in on occasion. You can do that without interfering — unless, of course, there's something you might want to nip in the proverbial bud.

A word of caution: Don't alienate a partner's friend (unless your partner is willing to forego that friend). That could be downright stupid, especially if the friend is sexually attractive to your partner...and not really such a good friend.

True friends want what's best for their friends. And they don't kid themselves into thinking that a deceptive affair is part of that — even if they find it tempting. That's not a nice place to go with a friend.

The problem might be that we accept "just" friends as "true" friends.