Release Date: Friday, January 4, 2008

Learn from the fall before starting over

I noted with interest your "Celebrate Starting Over" column. I agree with your basic idea; however, before one can truly "start over," one must clear one's mind and heart by attempting to right "wrongs" done to others.

In most cases, such life patterns continue, and soon the habit of lies and wrong acts begins again, and the "start over" cycle is repeated. Sincere apologies from the heart are often difficult to put forth, but well worth the effort.

If you haven't read "Celebrate Starting Over," you still can at www.nakedrelationships.com.

We can learn what doesn't work by falling on our butts, but we don't have to. We can get up and start again — and again and again — with only a calloused butt (and some repressed pain) to show for it.

When we fall down in relationships, we have a responsibility to ourselves and our partner to acknowledge our "mistake" and what we've learned from it. If you can say, "I'm sorry, but I learned how to do better," you start again feeling respect for yourself. And, as long as you continue to grow, you can get up as many times as you fall, knowing that you're better for it.

If you apologize without learning from your mistake, even if the person you "wronged" forgives you, you're unlikely to forgive yourself. You might find some temporary relief, but if you continue to make the same mistake over and over, you're apt to feel weighed down with guilt and inadequacy. Of course, that could appear to be anger or blame or resentment.

You might, for example, lie to your partner, get caught and apologize...only to end the relationship and find somebody who's more likely to trust you. But if you resort to lying again — and you're not ready to face the reasons — you might just blame your partners for being jealous and then repeat the cycle.

If you get the lesson, you're less apt to make the same mistake again. And knowing that you wouldn't do it again can be what you need to forgive yourself! Then, you can truly start over, without the haunting fear of messing up again or being a loser.

Talk all by itself, even when it's sincere, is cheap. When we don't follow it up with action, we lose credibility, with ourselves and others. We feel more pressure and less hope.

Relationships are never one-sided. Whether you've wronged somebody or you've been wronged, you've played a role in something that didn't go as you'd hoped. There were reasons it didn't, and until you assume responsibility for the ones on your side and learn from them, you're unlikely to move on to a healthier relationship.

Other people don't hurt us or keep us from moving on and living the life we want. We hold ourselves back. If you really like who you are, learning that your partner acted like a jerk doesn't matter near as much. It's our own role in relationships that we have a tough time acknowledging — and as long as we're preoccupied with blaming or analyzing a partner, we can't honestly assess and forgive our role.

When we fall down, we have a chance to learn something. And we get as many chances as we need. Once we've learned the lesson, we offer an apology and we change our behavior.

And as often as we can do that, it's something to celebrate!