Release Date: Friday, March 7, 2008

Take another shot at asking

As I write this, I'm still getting feedback on the column "Ask, Get, Give What You Want".

Like other relationship issues, asking for what we want isn't quite as easy as it sounds. Doing it is straightforward enough, but our "baggage" can make getting to that point difficult — even unlikely.

I have been married for 20 years and still have a hard time asking my husband for what I want and expressing my dislike for his behavior in a constructive manner.

Thank you for your very informative column.

Building on what I wrote two weeks ago: When we ask for what we want, we make ourselves vulnerable. Why? Because our partner — the one we've likely chosen to spend the rest of our life with — might not give it to us.

And that could hurt! If our partner doesn't think we're worth the trouble, or deserving of what we ask for, that could reinforce our worst fear — the fear that there is something innately lacking in us.

Often in a relationship, one partner feels inferior to the other, or one partner is more willing to work at the relationship than the other one is. If you're the one who seems to care more or try harder, the way to feel better about yourself is to take the time — quality time in solitude — to know yourself and realize how worthwhile you are.

Then, you're less apt to fall into the trap of thinking your partner , or anybody else, gets to decide how worthy you are. You are magnificent — whether you have come to know it or not!

When you don't know it, you might catch yourself waiting for a partner, or a prospective partner, to decide what you deserve...as if they are in charge of your fate. They're not. You get to decide what you want — and realize that you're worthy of it!

And if you have difficulty being constructive in letting your partner know what you dislike, maybe it's because you prefer to rub his nose in his imperfections. That way, you're not the only one who's imperfect. The expression is true — sometimes we'd rather be right than happy.

We are more apt to get what we want from a partner when we make ourselves vulnerable and ask nicely...and we are more apt to ask if we feel worthy. Also, we are more apt to evoke growth in a partner if we express what we don't like in a positive way.

The key — to both asking for what we want and expressing what we don't like in a constructive way — is recognizing our worth.

It might help to think about the concept in another context: If you know you do an outstanding job, you can ask for a raise with confidence (and have a good shot at getting it). If you realize you're a valuable member of a cohesive team, you can make — or take — a suggestion knowing you all have the team's best interest in mind.

When you do your best in a relationship, you can ask for what you want knowing you are an equal partner. And if you're not trying to defend your own shortcomings, you can help your partner to do his best, without trying to make him wrong, or feel as inferior as you do.

So take another shot — a better shot — at asking for what you want.