Release Date: Friday, March 21, 2008

Too insecure for ‘nice’?

Dear Jan: I just read your column Don't Paint Nice Guys Invisible and wanted to share my story with you.

Like many women, I grew up with a particular idea of male and female roles that made me attracted to all the wrong guys — irresponsible, at best; psychologically and verbally abusive, at worst. Three years ago, I met a man who was none of those things — he was kind, attractive, creative, intelligent and employed(!).

We dated very briefly, but his kindness terrified me — I couldn't understand why in the world he would bring me chocolates at work when he was in the neighborhood, or ask me out to lunch for no reason. I was also confused by his sexual advances; because he was such a "nice" guy, I didn't think he would have such "manly" urges.

I couldn't get past my "stuff," so I ended our courtship and got back together with my ex, who had constant problems with drugs, alcohol and dishonesty.

Since we live in the same building (and he's a good person), the "nice" guy and I remained friends. About a year ago, after returning the ex to "ex" status and making the decision to live a healthier lifestyle, I began spending more time with my neighbor. He assumed I was just being friendly, and I still wasn't sure what I wanted, so we spent time growing our friendship, and it became clear that the barrier had been my fears.

First, I was afraid I would hurt him. The men I had dated had always been unpredictable, offered plenty of reasons to break up, and/or seemed not to care very deeply — so I was relatively "safe" from guilt when our relationship ended. But this "nice" guy would obviously want to commit and might have real, lasting feelings — I didn't want to be responsible for them.

Second, I was afraid I didn't fit into his life. He didn't need to be fixed, was independent and could take care of himself — what could I possibly contribute?

Third, I was afraid I wouldn't measure up. Once again, bad boys had always been "safe" ground — they had problems to be fixed; I was always relatively stable. But faced with a man who could cook and build things, who listened to NPR, knew about music and art and had studied painting, but worked as a computer programmer — I suddenly felt very small.

I was finally able to let go of all of my fears and preconceived notions, and decided to give our relationship a real try. It was terrifying at first, but I opened up and put myself out there and I've never been happier.

We are still getting to know each other on so many levels, and no relationship is without moments of frustration. But every day we are growing as individuals and as a couple. We take care of each other (yes, I can contribute to his life), support one another and enjoy each other.

Thanks for reading; sorry this turned out to be so long! I wanted to share because I think there is hope out there for nice guys. I think a lot of women are like me — insecure.

I found my nice guy, and I'm not letting him go for anything!

The reward theory of attraction says we are most attracted to those who give us maximum rewards at minimum cost to us! And four of the most compelling sources of reward are: Proximity: — frequent contact predicts closeness; Similarity: — shared attitudes, interests, values and experiences are rewarding; Self-disclosure — intimate sharing builds trust and allows us to know each other; and Physical attractiveness — we find beauty rewarding.

But the expectancy-value theory says we weigh the value of the reward against our expectation of success in a relationship. Hmmm...

My theory is that when we are ready to be nice, we go for a nice guy!