Release Date: Friday, May 2, 2008

Buck stops with you

Sometimes we pass the proverbial buck around like a hot potato. The problem is, what we're really passing to the next guy is our fate.

Ah, and maybe that's why our fate so often seems to be up in the air!

"God knows I never intended my life to look like this, but she got pregnant, and I did the right thing and married her," writes one reader.

"My husband's content to sit in front of the TV, and I feel like I'm stuck," writes another reader.

You can't really make somebody else responsible for your destiny, though (and nobody gets pregnant by herself). The buck — or responsibility for your life — stops with you … and when you attempt to pass it on, you're choosing by default.

Think of it as buying a lottery ticket instead of getting a job. Or take it a step further, and think of it as buying a "quick pick" and letting the system pick the lucky, or not so lucky, numbers for you. You still pay for the ticket and play the odds.

You might want to tell me about your sorry partner or the tough times you've seen — actually, some of you have. Smile. I appreciate your pain, and I want to help alleviate it. If you've come to me, you know that's true. But I can't make somebody else responsible for your situation or what you choose to do about it. And besides, commiserating with you to blame somebody else is hardly dispatching hope.

The hope is found in you. Blaming somebody else is like saying they forced this fish on me, and now I'm stuck with it. I am dependent on them for fish, because I have no fishing pole or means of getting the fish I really want. But you do have a fishing pole.

Look at your innate power and goodness, not somebody else's power over you — nobody else truly has power over you unless you give them yours.

There is no gun to your head. And you're not actually glued to the TV. You're free to do what you want...and doing it is the only way to feel good about yourself.

You don't want to be at the mercy of somebody else — especially a "sorry" partner. But in a weak moment, it might seem as though you have no choice, no strength to rise above your situation. It's much easier, particularly when feeling sapped, to wallow in the rut than to risk climbing out and falling down again.

The good new is: You can get up — even if it means falling down again — and you can move beyond what seems to limit you. The only boundaries are the ones you impose. And when you know that, the effort to get up comes a whole lot easier. Psychologists tell us that people are much more motivated to do something about their situation when they realize that they can.

That's a powerful realization, especially in today's political climate. It serves no one, least of all those who feel vulnerable, to help them blame somebody else for their situation — in the context of a relationship, a job or society in general. How then can they have hope of salvation, except in another.

In an emergency situation, it can make sense to signal for help. But let's not throw ourselves at the mercy of somebody else while we're still competent.

"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone," said Orison Swett Marden.

Nobody else can empower us. And nobody else can disempower us.

The potato's not really too hot to handle — some of us are just in the habit of passing it on as though it is. It's a habit we can break.