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Release Date: Friday, June 13, 2008
Infatuation, a glimpse of love
I am a 25-year-old female who has had her ups and downs in the relationship department.
A few months ago, I began working for the company my father works for. I've met a really nice guy who works in the warehouse. We're going out, and we talk on the phone daily. Thus far, I am really happy. It just feels like everything is finally going to be OK.
But, I told my dad (who is a director at work) about my interest in this man because I didn't want him to get surprised by anything third hand. Now, he is trying to turn me away from this new guy, saying it may affect the promotion I am supposed to get in a few months. I am torn between finally being happy and not messing up a promotion.
Some people at work know we are friends, but we don't kiss or hug or anything like that at work. We just sit and talk on breaks.
What should I do?
I understand that sometimes in the beginning of a relationship it feels like we're finally going to be happy. But nobody else can really make us happy, so the salvation is short-lived. We know it as infatuation. Smile. We can be enlivened by it...and also recognize it for what it is, without counting on it to grow into true intimacy and commitment (it may or may not).
That said, I don't believe in living your life for the next promotion — or to please your father. As a practical matter, you have a career opportunity, though. Make a conscious choice about what you want to do with it, taking into consideration any relevant company policy and chain of command.
If you step back in the new relationship and get to know each other better as "just friends," you can assess how broadly and how deeply you connect. Michael Murphy, a psychologist at the University of Florida, describes five areas of intimacy that can help:
- Behavioral: Do you like to do the same things?
- Emotional: How much of yourself can you put out there and still feel safe and accepted?
- Intellectual: Can you have an intellectually stimulating conversation?
- Spiritual: Do you have similar values, a common sense of purpose?
- Sexual: Do you feel sexually connected — even if you're just holding hands?
In learning more about the new guy, you'll also learn more about yourself. And you'll benefit on both fronts — personal and professional. You'll be better prepared for the next promotion and the next relationship (if this isn't the one for you). Giving up a promotion for the love of your life is one thing. Giving it up for somebody you realize you'd never want to raise kids with, whether or not you really want kids, is another.
I don't want to disparage what you're feeling. Infatuation makes us feel like we can finally — whether we're 25 or 45 — live happily ever after. There's somebody who energizes us, somebody who's interested in what we have to say, somebody who validates us, somebody who wants us and needs us!
Infatuation gives us a glimpse of who we have the potential to be, and that's who we really are. It gives us a glimpse of our essence, of love...and that's what truly makes everything OK. When we find it in ourselves, instead of looking for somebody else to give it to us, it's ours for keeps.
P.S.: Great job on telling your dad about the relationship before he heard it from somebody else! I hope he thanked you before he tried to talk you out of the relationship. That's good directing and) parenting. We're all learning, though.