With all the freedom in today's relationships, you face more complex questions and challenges. You want real answers that aren't hiding behind volumes of words or scholarly titles — the kind of answers you find in Naked Relationships. Still your feedback to my column has been more gratifying than I could have imagined. I love you, and I thank you.
beginning with the most recent:
When we meet somebody online, the picture we almost see is the one we've conjured up to go with the parts we like ... or dislike. click to continue
One of the most romantic roles traditionally assumed by a man is proposing marriage. click to continue
We don't have to get it right the first time to get it right. Get all of your senses thrilled by somebody whose senses you can thrill. click to continue
Winning somebody's heart is an ongoing process When you feel as though you have to paint the truth in pretty pink before presenting it, you have something short of the truth... When we really appreciate what we have, the grass on the other side of the fence doesn't seem nearly as green. There's no such thing as looking for too many impressive qualities in somebody ...provided we can deliver as many as we're looking for. click to continue
Columns you may have missed . . . Grit plus grace, the whole is more than the sum Click here to read more columns you may have missedOnline-meeting leaves a lot to the imagination
Women are finally popping the question out loud
Divorce rate may go up before it goes down
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Two can do what one can only dream about
Catch him, but don't stop chasing him
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The truth needs no pink paint
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You should see your grass from the other side of the fence
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It's OK to hold out for a 10
More freedom in relationships starts early
Its OK to fall down, but hold on to the dream
Laughter, it's more than fun
Move beyond chemistry without giving it up
Express, but don't expect
You can choose understanding over anger
Beliefs can open our world to an infinite universe
We can say yes to affection without saying yes to sex
You weren't ready for the one that got away
The past is the best predictor of the future
Love leaves no room for fear, excuses
Getting cold is part of getting warm again
Don't blame somebody for being who he is
What makes a pickup line effective?
Curiosity makes the list of qualities to look for
Cross-sex friendship, minus the sex
Cupid — more than a cherub or a Greek god
Meeting the right one — it's a timeless art
Two people are compatible if ...
You can have fun with, without the guys
Truth prepares us to break away, to stay
Find grace, not judgment, in the new year
Do you like to hear yourself talk? Enough to listen?
Listen more and shop less
Words without actions fall short of getting the woman
What you want is part of a package deal
Give up anything but love
Driven by need or love?
It's what YOU think that's important
You CAN make your relationship fun
Still trying to figure out what women, men want?
Differences are opportunities to grow
Must a partner earn your trust?
We can start fresh anytime we want to
Your partner may be better than you know
Every place can be a safe place
You are enough
Thank you for your feedback!
The perfect match
You are so right in your column on this subject!! I was divorced and remained single for 12 years. Through those years I came to know myself and truly "set my bar" — it was mine and only mine. It didn't have to work for anyone else but me. I was extremely happy — and then there he was. Our "bars" matched. Honesty, love of family, faithfulness, love of our animals, good work ethic, able to take care of be happy BY OURSELVES — and what a blend that makes. It took me awhile to learn myself and hold fast to not settling for less and if that never happened, then that was okay too. I was never as lonely single as I was married — lying in bed with my husband to which there was no connection. At least by myself there were no expectations, no disappointments. I enjoy your column, and found out that a good friend of mine is a good friend of yours. I love her dearly. I told her how much I enjoy your column and then she said she knew you — how cool is that!! Keep writing so I can keep reading. Thanks for sharing!!!
Alice Apathy
Be proud of yourself
I have been clipping your weekly articles from my local newspaper for about two years now. At first I thought of clipping only those that directly apply to my "single" situation. But in reality, they all apply to life, which IS my situation. Just to share a thought with you, because for some reason, after it was all over, I thought of you. I recently met someone who was rather forward, but I was definitely attracted to him; a rarity for me. By the third date he was expecting more. I had warned that I move slowly and cautiously; that I need time to warm up. After the fourth date, when he knew I wasn't ready to get intimate with him (unspoken), he stopped calling. I remember your previous articles about being true to one's self and not caving in to others' desires. It really hit the Reality Button for me. As difficult as it was to see him go, and it was difficult because after about six months of once a month dating, no one ever interested me the way he did, I knew I had to let him go. He sent me email saying that I wasn't ready to have a relationship. See how he tried to turn the tables on me?! Even at this old (ha) age of 53, and dating!, I'm still learning. It's amazing! But it was the best lesson. I'm finally putting some of that stored knowledge and guidance from you into practice, and I made it work! I'm so proud of myself. I attended one of your lectures in NJ last summer and was very impressed. Meeting you was a pleasure and makes the articles more personalized for me now. Take care, Mary Ann
Grass...on the other side of the fence
Hi Jan, Great article. It causes one to stop and consider why one is in a particular relationship. When you start looking at the greener grass with more than simply enjoying the view as part of life, your relationship is already in trouble. Greener grass doesn't exist when you are with the "one." Beauty in others does exist, and should be acknowledged, sensuality with others does resonate, but when you are with the one, there is no greener grass to trouble the couple, it simply is not an issue. You sure know how to get to the point, Jan. Your wisdom continues to grow. In light and love
Genuine is dazzling
Jan, your beautiful heart keeps coming into my awareness and prompts me to ask if you are well. Meeting you on my path has led me to the serendipity of discovering the Beloved within my own heart. Thank you for being genuine and dazzling at the same time. Michael
Never too old to have a dream...or come to a workshop
Jan, Your "Hang onto that dream to make it come true" article appeared in the Monday, May 26 Mpls. Star Tribune and it was terrific. While, as an 80 year old fan, I am not a candidate for attendance at one of your sessions, I know you are "my kind of people" because believing in anything must start with believing in yourself. I've been on the Internet for fifteen years and about three months ago I decided to establish an e-Bay site and do some trading. For some reason I have found it more complex than it is for most people so I have been procrastinating - not making any forward progress on the project. Your article has inspired me to "get it in gear."
Thanks, Norb McCrady
Ahh, what's important to you?
I just wanted to thank you for a great column. I have been going through a very hard time in my life since my girlfriend and I split up. I just cannot get focused on what is important. I was trying to start my own business, just before this all happened. After reading your article on May 22, I realized what was important to me...my life and enjoying it again, not worrying about my past but my future. Thank you, your column was very inspirational. Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to meet somebody with views like yours. Thank you again. Dale
Hmmm, could this be your soul mate?
I am sorry I missed your lecture in Long Branch last week. If it was as good as your columns, I really missed something. Perhaps if you are in this area again, I will make it my business to get there. Although I am 51 and single, I DO BELIEVE my soul mate is out there. Best wishes, Jim
Laugh anyway... Unkindness shows through laughter
As someone who is known for her sense of humor (often a bit off the wall), I enjoyed your column reminding us of the benefits of laughter, and I agree heartily with most of what you said. However, there is a big "but." Laughter must never be sought at the expense of another. I have a friend who routinely uses laughter to dismiss my expressed concerns. To be kind, I suspect this person thinks laughter erases all the worry. To be paranoid, I suspect this person enjoys disrespecting my emotions. In any event, laughter is not my favorite part of my relationship with this person, and needless to say, this is not where I readily share my emotions. Thanks for considering this viewpoint. "Laugh with me, not at me."
Jan's Response...
Thank you for reading my column and taking the time to share your heart with me. I hope you don't think that I was implying that it's OK to laugh at the expense of somebody else. I don't think that's about laughter. I think that's about love, or a lack of love. When we come from love, we don't have to measure our laughter (or our words or our deeds). It's coming from a heart we can trust. Maybe you could have a talk with your "friend" and decide whether or not she's really your friend. I know somebody who behaves as you described. She uses laughter and words as pink paint to cover up what needs to be cared for. I love her, but she's not my friend. May you always know the very best of you — of life and love, Jan Denise
Jan, I have just recently started reading your column. It seems to run in the paper here (Minneapolis Star & Tribune) only once day a week. I recently read with interest a column of yours in which the subject was "laughter". While I would agree with you that laughter is important and can be a way to lessen tensions and soothe over ruffled feathers, it is something to be used carefully — it is a two-edged sword. I'm sure you are aware that there is a fine line — and only a little "gray area" between laughing with someone and laughing at someone. It is sometimes difficult to communicate the difference satisfactorily, and people can get confused as to which is happening. Something to ponder? Thanks for doing what you do. Keep up the good work. Will, New Brighton, MN
Jan's Response...
Will, thank you for reading my column and for taking the time to share your thoughts — and kind words — with me. I appreciate your sensitivity to other people's feelings. : ) When laughter comes from less than love, it can be hurtful (so can words and deeds). But that's no reason to miss out on all the joy, the healing, the perspective, the fun. When our laughter is coming from a heart we can trust, we need not use it carefully. People have a way of discerning love. And, they have a way of discerning less than love — whether we're laughing or not. May you always know the very best of you — of life and love, Jan Denise
Children and parents share Jan's column with each other
Before closing, I would like to add that my 22 year old son has been an avid reader of your column for the past couple of years. More than just reading your column, he has actually incorporated many of your ideas and suggestions in his own relationships with his girlfriend as well as will other friends and family members. He has even come to me on occasion and said: "well, if you read Jan Denise's column you would know...." Again, thank you. Sharen Thompson
Teens hanging out in groups, saying no to sex
I have just come across your column for the first time and I was particularly struck by April 4th column, "We can say yes to affection without saying yes to sex." The problem I'm having is not so much my problem as my daughter's. Read the rest of the letter and Jan's response
Is sex a barometer for marriage?
My husband is very spoiled - partly my fault because I enjoy doing things for him. However, I also work two jobs, and there are a couple times a year when work is extremely busy (I work for a church in music so it's Christmas and Easter). After these times I'm very tired and need to get more sleep. He wants sex every day, and he gets crabby if he doesn't get it and says nasty things to me — he tells me I'm using lame excuses to get out of sex, says he loves me more than I love him, etc. Read the rest of the letter and Jan's response
The magic is you... part of self discovery
You are magic, you know. You have had a profound influence on my life and I am grateful for your entry into my world. You saved my emotional life, started and contributed to a process of healing and self discovery that has made me a more complete and better man and human being. I really do love you. And not merely as I love all human beings and God's creations, but as the word "love" is meant to mean (to me, anyway) in a more profound and meaningful way. You are one of a select few... Steve