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| Note to Friends in New Jersey |
| I've been invited to write a new relationships page for 40-74 Magazine: The GPS Coordinates of Gracious Living. And I'm currently booking speaking engagements in hopes of seeing you soon! I love you and the Jersey Shore! Email Jan |
As seen in Jan's relationship column "Choosing Love",
40-74 Magazine:
Commitment is an Ongoing Choice
He's snuggling up to you as though nothing's wrong, but you don't even want to be there. How did you end up married to this guy anyway?... click to continueBare All to Enchant — in Any Season
Summer demands that we bare all those body parts we've conveniently layered in sweaters. And if you're feeling squeamish about that, you're trying to protect more than just your abs and your thighs from rejection... click to continueA journalist, Jan wrote the nationally syndicated newspaper column "Naked Relationships" (later marketed by Creators Syndicate as "Inside Relationships") for ten years.
With all the freedom in today's relationships, you face more complex questions and challenges. You want real answers that aren't hiding behind volumes of words or scholarly titles — the kind of answers you find in “Inside Relationships”. Still your feedback to my column has been more gratifying than I could have imagined. I love you, and I thank you.
The following newspaper columns appear in chronological order, beginning with the most recent:
2009 2007
Naked, the only way to be in love
Men trigger gruff, not peace
Lose weight, change your life
Mirror reflects hunger within
Attention: The currency you forget to budget
Eight types — one is perfect
Whether you stay or walk, love well
Sex whys versus relationship why
Excuses 101: There is no good excuse
FWB: Friends with benefits, or blinders
Lousy segments make for good life
Treat problem, not symptoms
'Safe' strategy is your downfall
What are you doing to your child
Forgiveness is freedom to fly
Is yours a falling star?
Learn from sex, apply to life
Risk everything or nothing?
See what lurks beyond your own drama
Slow down the clock
More settled ... and less sexual?
Love of your life or infatuation?
Why do we cheat?
Let the fireworks continue
What of our fathers
Think thoughts are inconsequential?
Dating game has no duds
Is a secret spoiling your life?
Fantasies — feed or impede love?
Green and frugal meet, date
Beware the boredom that follows you
Live with wings
Your chance to bounce higher
Question your questions
Women don't want a fraidy cat
The prince(ss) is in
Do it together
You choose: honored guest or guest of?
You wear a brand
Soulmate or booty call?
Get old without losing it
Divorce, lesser or greater trauma?
Gray connects the black and white dots
V-Day tips for every heart
Her's no stranger
Get ready for your prince(ss)
You can win game and still lose
Don't let partner hold you back
Drop defenses to let love in
2008
Don't make old resolutions for the New Year
You're invited — without your money
Stop sexual rejection
Falling in love under the mistletoe
Let love write your holiday story
Insecurity gets starring role
You are love
Guilt masquerades
Get your deal breakers out in the open
For richer, for poorer
Emotions play yo-yo tricks
Fun of flirting can be cut short
Desire also arouses partner
Men have their own brand of "PMS"
Habits dictate health of relationships
Can cheating be redefined?
Opposites attract, complement, don't complete
$ Problems can bring you together
The bored are unfulfilled
Self-verification attracts
Long and short of distance
Help kids expand comfort zone
Love raises sexual satisfaction
Hormones trigger conflict, peace
Don't assume readiness to commit
Win your own independence
Turn TV off to save relationship
Greener grass is where you make it
Infatuation, a glimpse of love
Stop and reconnect
You can let go of the "pain-body"
We cheat to get what we're missing
Stop looking to find somebody
Rebound with care
Buck stops with you
Learn your partner's language
All grown up, we still cry out in distress
Delayed gratification: overrated or underrated?
Intimacy can fuel passion
You'll get less than you ‘settle’ for
Too insecure for ‘nice’?
‘Traditional Family,’ an oxymoron?
Take another shot at asking
Struggle is for power
Ask, get, give what you want
Response to irritation is telling
We watch more sex than we have
Get what you want for Valentine's Day
Touching hearts means touching sore spots
Don't paint nice guys invisible
Resolutions for life
Learn from the fall before starting over
"Real Age" is more than a number
Celebrate starting over
How attractive are you?
Rejection is inflated in and out of relationships
Intimacy flows deep and wide
Trust senses, not imagination
Have your "affairs" at home
Blinded — not by love, but lies
Just friends...or true friends?
Meet, date and be merry — or married
Don't declare war in anger
Reverence Trumps Celibacy, Marital Status
You have more than a talking part
Eat less and be more satisfied
What you see is what you get!
Compliment or slap in the face?
Put heart — not habit — in pet names
The love of my life
A date isn't the best way to get to know somebody
How hard does it have to be?
Finding one in a million
Stay — or leave — in love
Nobody is just a wife
You are somebody's "10"
Grow into your in-laws
Perfect love has 20-20
You can't force a grand finale
Don't let equality neuter you
Cheat...and you cheat yourself
Partner who mimics parents is no coincidence
Tell your story, live your story
Hello — I'm ready, what's your name?
Keep the babies coming
Truth leads to peace
Optimal health delivers optimal sex
Couples therapy, as simple as laughing together
Stand up straight — you're making me look bad
You are innately good, no contingencies
You can pay too much for sex — no matter how good it is
Reassess the cons of "I do"
What's lacking is what you're not giving
Bad boys, good friends...and more
Put money on the agenda
Answers start with caring
Survive this, and you can survive anything
Free you, others of ill-founded feelings
Not all chemistry starts and ends with a bang
Take partnership from complex to simple
Ideal is waiting for you
Three questions drive division
Failure is tough to let go of
Thank you for your feedback!
We Are Where We Want To Be
I've been reading your column for a few years now, thoroughly enjoyed your column on Attention. I'd like to add my 2¢ worth this time, if you don't mind. Read more
Response to FWB Column
I have to disagree with your statement that "[s]ince the idea of FWB is to avoid negotiation a romantic relationship, communication about the sex is almost a taboo." In my experience (having had several FWB type relationships) communication has never been a problem. I am also still open to a romantic relationship and have pursued several since first starting to have FWB type relationships. This is also true for many of my friends. Read more
Your column Treat Problem, Not Symptoms
I used to do all of that when the Internet came out. Why? What was I missing? Intimacy, which for me meant sex, because I had been previously programmed to think that's what true intimacy and a relationship were based on. Mutual desire meant worthiness, filling a self-esteem void. Of course, intimacy is much more than sex. My 2 cents from a man's perspective.
Women don't want a fraidy cat...
She came in at noon. HOT. Her reddish brown hair was gorgeous and her delightful perfume I have never smelled before. We never did make eye contact. I sensed she didn't want to, but that may not be the case ... because I didn't want her to think I was chasing her, so I didn't look at her when she came through the door. She caught me off guard/frightened me by her appearance. I though, I don't know if I can handle this women ... she is out of my league. She seemed to be confident — more so than I at that moment. After she ordered lunch and left, I though about your Fraidy Cat column.
Don't miss Jan's weekly column
I am writing to thank you, because I have come upon a number of your advice columns on Yahoo. Every time I read one, regardless of the topic at hand, I find that your particular "style" of getting your point across deeply resonates with me, personally. It helps me grasp stuff, and helps me to "get it" in ways which empower me! Not only for my own life and my personal challenges, but also in ways which inspire me to be able to help others — at present, and down the road. Thank you for being an uplifing source of empowerment and insight — reaching all the way over here to the "Land of the Rising Sun." I look forward to reading more of your columns. Keep the good advice coming! All the best,
Do you need a hand?
I was drowning and you rescued me. You make me see things with a different perspective and give reasons of why I am doing something—like the dollars in the jar. Every day is a struggle and shouldn't be. I am young and learning. This morning I went to the coffee shop and as I sat there reading the newspaper drinking coffee, in she walked. She was wearing a short dress with dark stockings and boots up to her knees. You talk about HOT. That scared me; it was like I have been learning to swim in a pool, but now am at a lake. Jan I like it in the water, you've taught me how to swim, but my confidence needs work. A thought—there are two reasons for doing something, the real reason and the other reason.
Understanding nakedness...
To become naked as you have been advocating, is what we must do if we are to understand the direction we have been taking in our lives and what we must do if we had failed to find a meaning to our lives.
continue >>>
You can receive Jan's newsletter every month...
Happy after Labor Day to you too! Hope all is well with you and yours. I LOVED your Sept. newsletter. What a different way to look at cheating ... that you are cheating yourself as well as your partner. I actually highlighted parts of your newsletter and sent it to a friend. I think he'll find it very interesting. Can't wait for your book to come out. Take care. Love, Pam
Serendipity...
Good morning. I think you will really like this email. I wrote to you last January about being a nicve guy and the difficulties in meeting and keeping women. You published an article in your column titled Don't Paint Nice Guys Invisible which was outstanding. It looked like you had quite a few responses to it. continue >>>
Throw in the towel?...
I ran across one of your articles and loved it! I need some advice on a relationship and have searched for a problem similar to mine and cannot find an answer. Can you help me? continue >>>
Buck stops with you...
Well said! I feel like I heard you loud and clear, but I had an epiphany a couple of years ago that had already led me to this conclusion. I wonder if I would have understood how your words applied to me, had I read this article prior to my "awakening." I don't know. continue >>>
Delayed gratification...
Yes, I find myself missing out on what I truly want and what do I want? Sex, but I want it in the appropriate way, but then what is appropriate in today's society? I tried many times over many years the delayed gratification only to end up with no results and regret; however, using the speed up gratification produced results short term, but not long term. Pleasure is achieved, but what if one wants two marshmallows? So what's best? You answered that, "live in the present, but not at the expense of the future you want." Rich
There is hope out there for nice guys...
I just read your column from January 18, Don't Paint Nice Guys Invisible and wanted to share my story with you. Like many women, I grew up with a particular idea of male and female roles that made me attracted to all the wrong guys... continue >>
We see more action on TV than we get...
Today's column is the best! I honestly believe that you've hit the nail right on the head. And I'm telling you that it's wonderful, just plain wonderful. McGoo, you've done it again! I think this ought to be required reading for everybody...well, maybe not everybody, but almost everybody. "The Professor"
Nice Guys...
Just a quick note to say thank you for your "Don't Paint Nice Guys Invisible" column. This point really hit it on the head: If you want to do your part to keep them with us, look around and try to remove that invisible paint you've brushed on faithful friends and too-good-to-be-true prospects. And revisit your point system. You might be surprised at how many nice guys you look through or bypass in favor of the hard to get. Most female columnists bash nice guys more often than the bad guys. They have decided that nice guys are bitter and need to try harder, when in reality the nice guys are merely confused and frustrated as to why they are being attacked and unappreciated for being good to women. Truth be told, it seems that a lot of women have become defensive about why they choose abusers and cheaters over the good guys. I appreciate your mature and objective thoughts on the "nice guys" subject. Thanks again for your column. Regards, Mike
Impressive honesty and insight about weight...
The line in your column about eating for pleasure, and sometimes we have too few pleasures, hit me so hard I cried. I am currently about 70 lbs. over my ideal weight. I am fully aware why, that is, too much food and too little activity. I am also fully aware that I look disgusting. But sometimes I feel that food is the only thing I have in my life anymore. It's the only thing I haven't had to trade off. I have a high stress job that leaves me emotionally drained, then have to come home and be peppy and upbeat while I cook, clean up, and handle life's details for everybody else in the house. I used to love to read, to write poetry and take long walks, but what woman with a family has time for that these days? Modern life is a treadmill that never stops. And if I do take some time for me I just feel guilty and depressed. Food has become my pleasure, my self expression and yes, my rebellion. As I mentioned above, I know I look disgusting, but would I be any less disgusting if I was an alcoholic? Or a junkie? Or a gambling or shopping addict? Well, at least I would look better, and that's what counts these days, isn't it?
What love is all about...
God bless you, Jan, for getting to the heart of what love is all about. There is no doubt that what we are made of is love and that we are responsible to give of ourselves, to give the love that we are to others, for that is the sole purpose for our existence. I might add to those wonderful words of yours that the love that resides within each and every one of us needs to be activated...I am sure you are familiar with Corinthians 1:13, which makes it clear that if you don't have love, that is if you don't give of your love to another, you have nothing. Thank you for reminding me that love is who we are. Good luck on your book, "Innately Good". Best to you, Jon
What would $90 get you?...
Thank you for talking with me, I was enlightened. Finding the root of my dilemma answers many things. I have written many lines only to backspace them for the words cannot describe your helpfulness. Please let me know where and to whom to send the $90 — I believe that is the amount. I think I want to talk with you again about my first experience with a woman; I was 18 and that probably left a wound that never fully healed. I will be in touch, Thank you, Jack
Are you reading Jan's column?...
I look forward to getting your newsletter. I always read your column in my local newspaper. It has helped me open my eyes to reality, and it has made me a better person in my relationships. Thank you, Jan. You are indeed at inspiration in life. Sincerely, Justin
Cheat...and you cheat yourself...
I just read your two latest columns. I liked them both, but especially I liked the one on cheating. I thought you were "right on" and I do so hope you save someone from the heartache that cheating brings to so many. I am certain that the only person(s) you saved were the ones who were ready to hear the message, because as you point out, when one is the "I" involved, it is very difficult to see the truth. When we understand this whole thing about cheating, one does not find oneself in such a situation to begin with. I must say it is rather interesting to me at this stage in my life journey to see how much a person can change. However, there are some who are not ready to see the truth and not ready to change. God loves them anyway, and so de we.
Life can be simpler than we make it...
You make everything sound so simple. "It is what it is." Exactly right! I'm trying real hard to just live this life of mine. It's moving and evolving no matter what I do, so I may as well jump in and make it the best that I can. Thanks, Jan. I am inspired by your words. Be well. Love you, Blaire
Just friends?...
After reading Not all chemistry starts and ends with a bang, I wondered about my own situation. I have a very good friend who is also a coworker. At first our communication was very work-oriented, except that he was witty and cute about it. continue >>
Get your "zing" from Jan's column...
I just have to tell you that it seems as though you have a camera and have been watching my life when I read your weekly column. Really powerful. Have cut your columns out and put them in a notebook to use for guidance when a relationship comes along. I signed up for eHarmony.com in December. Interesting, because the first thing I had to do was to really think about who I am NOW and what I would want a relationship to look and feel like. continue >>
A test of love's faithfulness...
That was a mouthful. There was a song by Carly Simon about the secret lying in everyday living - it's the day in and day out - but can't remember the words. There's a lot to be said for loving someone with all your heart when you see them every day...it's a test to the “faith” of love. :)
Another New Year...
Just want to let you know that your “16 thoughts to take into a New Year” really spoke to me. I enjoy reading your articles every week. Happy New Year, Charlene
Marriage is whole-hearted commitment to love well
My husband and I really enjoyed your article. It hit the nail on the head for the way my husband and I feel about the daily work and effort that needs to be put into marriage. I feel like sometimes we have to shake ourselves awake from going through our routines like zombies. Marriage requires that we and our spouses move consciously through this life. I will be giving a copy to two relatives that always seem to be living in chaos. Their marriages go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye. Thanks! Anne
Thank you for sharing the tools...
I'm an African American woman who discovered your columns in the Gainesville Sun newspaper a couple of years ago. I'm 39 years old and teach middle school. Recently, I discovered your web site, and I tell all my single female friends about your brilliant mind. Being a single black woman, finding a suitable mate is not easy. However, gaining tools of knowledge from you has been a discovery, an enrichment to my mind-set, and given me a real understanding of relationships that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't discovered you. What a brilliant mind you have. Love,
What kind of love do you have ... only one of them is perfect?
Thanks for your column. I sometimes wonder if you're not among the wisest people I've ever heard. The funniest part is that in some cosmic way, what you write here is often PERFECT for whatever issue I'm undergoing in the moment. This time, I've just stopped dating someone I was seeing the past couple of months because, in my somewhat less articulate terms, “I thought he liked me more than I liked him,” and it was making me uncomfortable. Then voila, there's your article about what it takes for perfect love. Suddenly, I could understand in a very simple way what a healthy mutual relationship takes...and that very simply, he was far ahead in his comfort, feeling things that I wasn't, and with the consequence of discomfort, probably never would. Anyway, thanks for doing what you do. It does help. Houston, TX
Letting go of a distorted self image ...
It would be good to pass out sheets (for them to voice their opinions and suggestions on) to friends and family and let them put them in a box without their names on them. I'd probably get some honest answers then. This gives me an idea....
Bliss is hiding behind what hurts
Bliss. It is amazing how many people do not believe it is real, but rather they think it is just something one reads about in fairy tales or romance novels. I believe in it. I experience it often in little moments — a holy instant — as the Course in Miracles calls it. I don't know if I will ever have it with a partner, but I haven't given up. It was a good column.
What do YOU most long for...
I was inspired to read the words “What we most long to do—given a belief that we can—is what we are most motivated to do AND most suited to do.” It reminded me of a book The Reasons of Love by Harry G. Frankfurt, where it says on the back cover: “The key to a fulfilled life is to pursue wholeheartedly what one cares about, that love is the most authoritative form of caring, and that the purest form of love is, in a complicated way, self-love.” I would say it is a paraphrase of what you said. I really believe you are onto something. Who we are is simply our greatest passions and we must not ignore those passions or forever remain in a kind of self-expressive/existential purgatory. Mario Savioni
Endings are transitions, part of growth
I just had to write you to compliment you on your May 3 column in the Gainesville Sun titled Endings Are Really Transitions. I have been healing from the break up of a 5-year relationship in which I became the brokenhearted one. For two months I felt that my life was over, no light at the end of the tunnel. Your column helped me understand that now is a great time and opportunity to change certain aspects of my life, face each day with a positive attitude and be enthusiastic about making changes to be a happier person! So, your story was really therapeutic for at least one person in Gainesville, FL!
Love's not in a hurry ... passion is
Thank you for your response, it helps confirm our decisions to take it slowly at this point...and I'm growing fonder of him each day we're together...if we do stay together, I know someday I'm going to thank him for teaching me to ‘take it slow’. After I wrote to you, I continued to read more from your site, and ended up ordering your most recent book, I look forward to reading it. I read your journal entries and have already gained so much wisdom from them, so again, thank you. I once had a yoga teacher who told me when the student is ready, the teacher will appear...and I believe you may be my present teacher. My best to you, and I wish you peace.
Recipe for dessert ...
Your relationship minus sex rings so true. Sex is like the icing on a cake, sweet and enticing, however void of any lasting fulfillment when it's eaten without the supporting structure (the relationship in its entirety). This (sugar/sex) rush leads to heightened activity devoid of form. However, with cake and ice-cream, enlightened with candles (intimacies), it can be the reward (dessert) of a healthy and well constructed relationship. Be well and loving, Craig
The simple can be very elusive ...
Without your help, I am not sure that I would have realized that I was not being as thoroughly forthright as I should have been. For something so simple it seems quite complex — when truthfulness runs around inside one's own head and gets rationalized away. Thank you again for your enlightening me in my pursuit of a loving relationship.
Mutual love and gratitude ...
...What you do is your gift to yourself, because you love what you do. The way you use your gift is your gift to all of us, because we feel, and know, your love for us. Jan, I love you, too!
...You touched me, and I don't have the words to express my gratitude. I am so glad I know you. Neil
Putting you in words brings peace ...
How wonderfully put was your article, The prize lies on the other side of conscious love. It so describes my situation. Now that I recognize myself, and it is put into words, this is the “first” peace I have had in years! Thank you for your article!
As not what he does for you but without you ...
I am just writing to say that I have been a fan of your column for a number of years now and particularly enjoyed your January 20 column. Everything, and I mean everything, you have written has resonated with what I have always believed truly in my heart. Your January 20 column enlightened me, however. I have always seen love in the way that it is not what they DO for you, it is how you feel and how they feel when together, and how you proceed together that counts. What I discovered when reading your column is that my partners through life have not seen it the same way, though. I realized that my 2 former husbands both looked at what I could do for THEM, and because I was giving all the time, and only believing that I was doing the necessary things at the time, in the end gave up in frustration when realizing that I was the only one giving, and they were gaining from all of my efforts. I am in a third relationship and the same pattern is happening again. He is looking for status, success, and yes, even survival by my existing in his life. Anyway, my point is, thank you again, Jan. Yours sincerely, and gratefully, An Avid Fan
Your relationship minus sex is telling ...
Today I read your column entitled “Your Relationship Minus Sex is Telling”. It's good to hear someone taking the emphasis off SEX! OR rather, just putting it in its proper perspective.
Don't get lazy when you're so close ...
Your column “You're to live life alone only if you want to be alone” struck a cord with me. continue >>
Talk can be cheap, until it costs you your honor ...
“Oh, Magoo, you've done it again!” in this column. When one loses one's honor, well, as the old song said, “Is that all there is?” My answer is yes, that's it, and when the honor is gone, only a shell is left. The final two paragraphs of the column are nitroglycerine; the first part is dynamite!
The Professor
Without truth, there's not much to hold onto ...
You have taught me something very important about the value of truth being more important than holding onto a relationship ... and how speaking the truth will, in the long run, make a relationship better (duh!) ... Thanks for helping me learn things on this relationships path. My whole life I have been “trained” to not disappoint anyone ... to not speak my truth when it goes against what an important person wants ... to place others' needs before my own. As you know, this doesn't work. I'm now working to change this. It's a difficult, old habit, but I am determined to learn a new, healthier habit. No need for you to respond. Just wanted you to know how important you are to me ... and how important the work you are doing is.
Miss a column? You can catch up on-line ...
I just read your last four columns. I am continually amazed at not only your insight, but your ability to pull together your thoughts and put them down on paper in a nice concise manner. Brenda