Are some secrets best kept?

Hi Jan,

I really enjoyed your talk last night. Seeing and hearing you in person helps to bring together some of what I've already learned from your book and weekly columns.

I put into practice some of your teachings from the get-go with Roxanne. I actually got “naked” with her on several levels. It felt good yet scary at the same time. We shared some really intimate thoughts and feelings. Is it wrong to reveal too much to your partner too early in a relationship? (We were together for 7 months)

The last time we were together she divulged to me that her sister had been sexually abused by her father. It happened more than 20 years ago but the scars have not healed in the family. I tried my best to reassure her that while it's beyond my understanding how a parent could do something like this, these are her parents and I would treat them with respect if and when I finally meet them. She seemed to distance herself from me after this, breaking a few dates. She finally admitted that she made a mistake by revealing too much about her family and that as a result could never let me meet them. She chose instead to end our relationship. It leaves me wondering if certain “secrets” are best never revealed?

I count this as a learning experience and will not let it stop me from getting “naked” with my next partner. I am trying very hard to progress in my own management of romantic relationships. I feel bad for Roxanne and would have done anything to ease the pain and hurt she must still feel. I realize we must be on different levels of Maslow's pyramid and maybe it just wasn't meant to be in the long run.

Any comments or thoughts you may have to help me understand would be appreciated. Keep writing those great columns!

Jan's response:

Secrets keep us from the love we want ...

Wow! I'm impressed with your healthy attitude! And I'm so glad that you're not discouraged from getting “naked” with your next partner. The fact that Roxanne isn't yet comfortable with her “secrets” being out doesn't mean that you can't be or don't want to be. Getting the secrets out there is the only way to feel totally loved. As long as you're hiding something, there's that nagging question — would she still love me if she knew ...

And, no, it's not wrong to reveal who you are early in a relationship (you CAN pick the wrong person to share with, though). Share what seems relevant as you get to know somebody. Of course, you don't want to simply “dump” on somebody, but don't hold back out of fear.

Hope that helps ... and that I get to see you again sometime. Also, if you're ever so inclined, we could do a coaching session by phone.

May you know the very best of you — of life and love, always.