Relationships Newspaper Column
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 Questions and AnswersSatisfaction... Thank you for your wonderful columns that I read on Creators.com. Every topic seems to answer questions that I have concerning love and relationships. I would appreciate your feedback on the following: I have been dating someone for four years and he is waiting for me to decide where our relationship is headed. He's a widower married for twenty years and looking to get married again. I have been divorced for twelve years and want to make sure I am making the right decision. At this time I have some doubts and your column on Satisfaction helped me know why I feel the way I do. He is wonderful in terms of the "perfect husband" — responsible, giving, caring, etc. However, I do not feel satisfied emotionally because he is not a passionate person and we have many different interests. Our relationship has deteriorated and we still hang on waiting to feel the way we did before. He admitted to me early on that he is not a passionate person. We have the commitment, communication and attraction, but I know I am no longer investing in the relationship like I did before. However, he continues to try to make me happy. Do you think I could ever be satisfied? I look forward to reading your column next week! Sincerely, Diane Jan's Response: Dear Diane, Thank you for reading my work and sharing your heart with me. Nobody else can really make you happy. I don't have enough information to know if you can ever be satisfied with him ... but I do know that it's unlikely to happen unless you start investing in the relationship again. :) I'm not sure exactly what you mean by passionate, especially since you said that you have attraction, but you can work on it together ... and get meaningful results, particularly if your partner wants to be more passionate. And you can also try on each other's interests and learn to appreciate them, maybe even enjoy them. In doing so, you understand each other better AND broaden your horizons. I would love an opportunity to help you with either a one-on-one consultation or a retreat just for the two of you. Short of that, feel free to e-mail me ... and perhaps you'll read my book Naked Relationships. It spells out much of what you read in my weekly newspaper column on Creators.com. And you and your partner could read it together and talk about it. Tough to walk away... Thank you for spending so much time with me on Friday, I left feeling somewhat empowered but the feeling was short-lived. Is it wrong for me to want some sort of closure, to see him, look him in the eye and ask a number of questions that I don't feel he has been honest about, concerning his feelings for me? I know it is unhealthy, wrong to hope for what will inevitably be the same outcome ... I just think it would be easier for me to walk away knowing we at least tried to fix what broke together. Am I messed up or what? Rebecca Jan's Response: Rebecca, Please know that I understand ... but, :) you can't try to "fix what broke together" while he is with her. Can you take that and run with it? It's easy to think "if only" he had done this or I had said that or we had tried harder. But that "if only" is bigger than it seems. Often two people would have to be different people, than they are, to pull it off! I hope that makes sense. I'm trying to keep it simple. You and I are deep enough and intelligent enough to explore the nuances ... and I believe that can be very meaningful. We might want to do it again to learn from it. But when we're trying to move forward, sometimes it's very helpful to hold on to what we know is rock solid, so as not to talk ourselves into something or justify what might feel good for the moment. Why sell all that you have?... In trying to learn more about love, this is one of the stories I've come across. A very wealthy man came to Jesus one day and said, "Master I have kept the Laws of Moses all my life and I believe you are the great one sent by God. I want to follow you where ever you go." Jesus looked at the man and said, "Well done, there is one more thing I would have you do. Sell all you have and give the money to the poor, then come follow me." The man turned from Jesus and walked away because he had great wealth. This is a hard story. What it uncovers is the lack of the greatest love which is sacrificial love. This man was self-centered and made the choice to stay that way. What do you think about sacrificial love? Do you teach sacrificial love? Love, Miki Jan's Response: Miki, I don't use the term sacrificial love ... if I were to use it now, I'd want to define it, only to prevent misunderstanding. Let me say this: I think that the man used his wealth to define himself or prove his worth. Giving up the wealth (not because wealth keeps us from love, but because clinging to wealth keeps us from love) would have meant finding his true worth inside. What he was really clinging to was ego. The kingdom is within (Jesus also said that) ... and that's what Jesus wanted the man to find. Jesus likened the kingdom to a pearl of great price ... he said when you find that pearl, sell all that you have and buy it. I could write a book here, but ... Throw in the towel?... I ran across one of your articles and loved it! I need some advice on a relationship and have searched for a problem similar to mine and cannot find an answer. Can you help me? Me: 48 year old independent professional woman — divorced for 10 years, dated guys casually, on my terms and didn't give too many guys a chance. Him: Met 50 year old man about 18 months ago. He has been married 2 times. When I met him, he said that he had just come out of a two year relationship and was not ready for another one. That was fine with me. He said he is not a womanizer and doesn't play games. There was instant attraction, tons of compatibility, same family values, hobbies, laughter, fun and he is great to be around. He called me several times a day just to chat and we started seeing each other a lot. I would go to his house a few times a week, the sex was great. I noticed that although we kissed and messed around — he was not into holding, cuddling and such. I never said anything at first. We never fight about anything except for his not hugging, kissing (he stopped the kissing) and holding me. I would tell him that he was emotionally empty. He says that every time he would lay his heart down that it would get stepped on and it's easier to keep the walls up. This makes me crazy!!! Should I wait him out and hope he unthaws or throw in the towel? I've read many books and can't find any answers. Please help me! Nicole Jan's Response:Dear Nicole, Thank you for reading my weekly column and sharing your heart with me. Yes, I can help. :) Let go! Be content to let him do what he wants to do...trust that he knows what he wants, or at least what he's ready for. And stop being crazy. It's a choice. :) He/the situation doesn't really make you crazy. Your response does. There's no guarantee that when he "unthaws," he'll decide to commit to the satisfying relationship you want. AND I think your best shot at his letting go (or unthawing) is your letting go. That's the way it works. :) If this resonates and you want help implementing my suggestion, I'll be happy to consult with you (by phone). Another thing you might do (for his sake) is suggest counseling to him. I think he'd find it very helpful — but only if he wants to be helped. How do we get naked?... I have enjoyed reading Naked Relationships. Very good and so easy to read. Here is the BUT...you say we should "get naked" — how? How do we get naked?? How do we love ourselves??? Could you write me and give me some insight. Maybe I simply missed something — I am starting to read again, but some leading would be great. Thank you, Carson Jan's Response: Thank you for Reading "Naked Relationships" and for taking the time to write. In thinking about getting naked, sometimes we don't know where to start and where to stop — we don't know what's part of who we really are and what's part of the mask or facade we've designed to be acceptable. It can be easier to think in terms of going within to find your nakedness, almost bypassing what's outside to get to the core. Hope that makes sense to you. I think it helps to do it in solitude, spend time with yourself the way you would spend time with an important person in your life that you wanted to get to know. Once you get to know yourself, you will love yourself! Loving is the easy part! :) Even "justified" insecurity is insecurity... I'm married for 7 years with a loving husband and have a wonderful 3 yr old son. we're both in our 30s. Is it wrong to feel insecure with my husband giving "too" much attention to my cousin who's a young girl aged 22? I don’t even really know that the attention is really TOO much. We have a small home business and I asked this cousin to help us while staying with us. She is also working 7 days a week and staying with us will help her lessen her transportation expenses since her work area is very much near us. I notice that they have become closer now especially that they have many things they share and like. I'm just not comfortable that my husband has been calling her cell phone and vice versa. They also go to eat together outside and spend some time at the mall shopping. My cousin is also very much comfortable sharing secrets of past and present relationships and her daily activities as well with my husband. My feelings of insecurity just started because my mother-in-law noticed this closeness too. I have talked about this with my husband and he reassures me it is really nothing. I know he loves me dearly but why do I feel this way? Jan's Response: We all have unconscious feelings of insecurity — until we've identified them and healed them. So, it's understandable that your husband's interaction with your young cousin triggered some insecurity. And it's commendable that you've talked with your husband about your feelings and the situation, and that you're not just blaming him for how you feel! That said, the interaction doesn't sound like "nothing" to me. While I don't want to inflate its importance, I think an awareness on your part and on his of what's happening, or could happen, is wise. There are two people involved...and your cousin could develop a "crush," even if it did seem like "nothing" to your husband. I also think their time spent together is relative to his time spent with you. How much time do you and your husband spend together? How much time have you spent getting to know each other...lately? Now, something to keep in mind: You can feel good about yourself regardless of how your husband spends his time. Make sure you take the time to get to know and love who you are. Feeling the insecurity is an opportunity to look at it, so you can heal it. Please feel free to e-mail me again or call me if you're interested in one-on-one consultation.. Letting go of what's not really there... I'm 31 but feeling a lot younger. I'm a painter and illustrator I also have an art workshop for kids. Most of my friends are involved in music and art. They, as well as me, are moving around, often hanging out and falling in love with younger people. This happened to me last year, I fell hard for a person around four years younger than me and I had a lot of doubts about the relationship because of my expectations (having kids while in my thirties, maybe getting married, etc.). Of course I talked to him and he dealt with it by slowly slipping away and one day just stopped calling. I was confused because I had no idea what had happened. He later told me he did not want to deal with those things yet. It was hard to accept but I did...half heartedly. We kept in contact and chatted and went out for lunches or dinners. I still felt a strong attraction to him and wanted the friendship to become what it had been at the beginning. This went on for about three months. In the while I met a man my age, sweet, good hearted, hard working and totally in love with me. I started going out with him ...halfheartedly. I still thought about the other guy ALOT. I knew it would never grow into what I wanted it to but didn't want to lose hope. Recently I have been going out with the "nice guy" and have been slowly falling in love with him. I knew I should stop thinking about the younger guy if I wanted my new relationship to evolve, but my attraction to the other guy was HUGE! Yesterday I saw the younger guy and I knew I was just cheating myself. Nothing was going to happen there and I did not want to loose or miss out on what I have with the "nice guy" So I talked to the young guy and he agreed that our "thing" was going to go nowhere. On one hand I felt a big relief partly because I knew I was going to give my new relationship a chance to grow, but on the other hand I feel a HUGE loss because I know I have to stop talking or seeing to the other guy for a while until I can get detached. I think that's the best thing to do, what do you think? Linda Jan's Response: Dear Linda, I think you're right — it's wise to quit seeing your "young friend" from whom you want more than friendship. That doesn't mean that the relationship with the "nice guy" is what you're looking for; but at least you'll be giving it a fair chance. Apparently, it's clear to you and the "young friend" that what you want is NOT available with him. I'm sure there's something to learn from the relationship with the "young friend," though; and if you can learn it, you'll be better prepared for all of what you truly want in a relationship. That's the way life works. :-) We move on to what we're ready for (with the same person or somebody else). You might take some time to think about what you wanted with the "young friend" versus what you really had with him. Why make excuses?... Why do people, women in particular, use excuses when they don't want to do something? I asked a woman to coffee the other morning and got this list of what she had to do. She said, after dropping off my daughter at school I've got to run back home and do some laundry, I have to run by Big O and get my lugs retightened from the tires being rotated yesterday, and several other things. She didn't have to be at work till 11:30. A person can always find time to do what they want to do. Thanks, Mac Jan's Response: Dear Mac, I think people, particularly women, make excuses because they get nervous, don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, want to maintain rapport, keep their options open. People have a tough time being totally honest, or simply aware of their thought processes, let alone opening up in a naked way to others — particularly in what might be an uneasy situation for them. Good question. Not meeting, not dating... I am 54 and divorced in 1998. I have not had a serious relationship or sex since 1996. I have been to all types of single groups and of course night clubs which I am not into and haven't been for awhile. I have my own business, am funny and fairly attractive. I have not attracted that many men. Most women seem to meet and date all the time. So what is up with all this? — Deborah Jan's Response: Dear Deborah, Sometimes what seems to be is not. :) Maybe other women don't meet and date as much as you might think. If you want to meet men, it's fairly easy to do that. Introduce yourself to them — get in the habit of doing it, not just with men you might be interested in, with a variety of men. Let the dating take care of itself. And do what you love to do. You want to feel enlivened; and you want to introduce the enlivened you to others. Sparkle is what makes us attractive. Get to know and love you. If you're looking for something more specific, please give me a more specific question. :) Eat less and be more satisfied... I will begin by saying that I wholeheartedly agree with you about using food inappropriately. The overfat and unfit state of health in this country is a terrible drain on the healthcare system and a major contributor to emotional un-wellness. However, I have to take exception to the attitude of the letter writer. First of all, he was at a buffet. If he's so concerned about eating healthfully and looking good, why was he in a place where you can eat as much as you can fit down your gullet? Did he expect to see nothing but nubile, young vixens in that establishment? Is he upset because he can't find an attractive woman who will have him? If he's in a relationship, why does he care what other women look like? If he's in a relationship, does he expect that his SO will stay young, healthy and slim forever? What actually constitutes being fat for him? I know lots of guys who look at normal, athletic women and think they're fat, because they can't see every bone! There are a lot of unanswered questions about this person. I agree that most people don't find extra fat attractive, myself included, but I have dated chubby guys and have had a great time with them. My current boyfriend is tall and slim, but he has a little extra in the middle. I accept it because I love him, but I try not to encourage him to maintain bad habits like drinking soda and eating fried food. My point is, when you criticize someone, it can say as much or more about you than it does about your target. In this case, all he accomplished was to say "I'm shallow and conceited, so be grateful that you're not my girlfriend." Thank you for a great column. :) Jan's response: I love your point (when you criticize someone, it can say as much or more about you than it does about your target)! The male reader's attitude would have been easy to criticize. That wasn't my intention (but I have tried to help him). It was my intention to take what was valuable from his perspective and pass it on. I feel like you "got" what I wanted to share — despite your opinion of the source — without being defensive. And that feels really good to me. I hope it does to you, too. :) Compliment or slap in the face?... I completely agree with your assessment on whether the fellow's comments were intended as a compliment or not. This woman obviously overreacted by slapping this man, regardless of how she took his comments. I think you missed an opportunity to help him out for future reference. What was he thinking that after 30 minutes of conversation with a stranger, he felt empowered to discuss her figure with her? I would have been highly offended by his comments, not because I agree or disagree with his assessment, but because who does he think I am that he can have that type of discussion with me after such a brief introduction? Who does he think he is that he can burden any woman, in an art gallery no less, with the management of his crass and unsolicited "examination of the merchandise" summaries? My advice to him is that when he appreciates something physical about a woman he has just met that he stick to compliments along the lines of, "I find you amazingly attractive." Better yet, I'd let the light in his eyes and smile on his face communicate that he appreciates what he sees if he really wants to get to know me better. Otherwise, it would come across to me as though he was going for a pick up. I, for one, cannot be had simply for the asking and would want to slap his face, too, though I would never do that! Another opinion from NYC. Cheers, Debora Jan's response: Dear Debora, Great feedback! Thank you for reading my column and taking the time to write! I'd love to share your perspective on my web site — in part, because it's different from mine. May I? I love a compliment — about my hair, my eyes, my mind, my figure. And I don't think it's ever occurred to me that somebody might think I could be had for a compliment. But, hey, light in the eyes and smiles are tough to beat! :) On that note, again, great feedback! I appreciate your thinking and your ability to articulate it! Debora's response: I enjoy reading your column at www.creators.com. I feel as though you and other columnists are modern-day "griots" that help set culture and values for our "village." Please feel free to use my comments and keep up the great work! Being excluded...hurt feelings... I have a question about family dynamics. My mom who is 81 and my two sisters, one 50 one 45, are going to Vietnam in October. I'm 52. I was invited verbally when this all started a year ago but truly never was included to the travel company in Vietnam. I emailed the travel company asking them questions about the trip. He sent me an itinerary and it stated my mom's name and two daughters. I wasn't in that at all. She then wrote them that I wanted to go but didn't know how I could because I was overweight. I'm not sure how that would stop me. I do exercises 2 to 3 times a week with Pilate's. I might not want to walk in the heat for hours on hours, but I felt it should be left up to me what I can and want to do. After all, they have a car and guide. At 81 my mom isn't going to be climbing Mt. Everest. How I feel in this is they are prejudiced against me. I decided to go after I re-read what my mom wrote about me to the tour company. I know my own limitations. I decided to not go because I don't want a climate hotter than where I am in the southern U.S. I also don't want to be with those who will whine and bitch about me behind my back. This is truly changing my feelings about my mom and sisters. What are your thoughts on this? Upset daughter Jan's response: Dear Upset Daughter, I don't feel like I have enough information — what did you say when you were initially invited verbally? Have reservations actually be made? How overweight are you? I'd really like the answers in order to do my best to say something helpful. With the information I have now, I can offer you this: Yes, I think the decision should be yours. I suggest you talk to your mom and your two sisters (all together) face-to-face...and do your best to come from love. They're human like you are...and their behavior is not a reflection on you as much as it is a reflection on them. Love them anyway! :) Take responsibility for your own behavior and come from love — don't do what a resentful overweight daughter would do. Do what a self-assured, loving daughter (who understands that her mother and two sisters are probably doing the best they can do) would do. If you love them, show them how to do better (the way you might show a child how to do better). :) Know and love who you are — you are wonderful, I'm certain of that. Let them know and love who you are as well. You can make the trip together, without all wanting to do the same thing the entire time. Too good to be true?... I am struggling with the thoughts and feelings that my new marriage of just a little over a month is going to just in the blink of an eye crumble. Let me first explain. I was married previously for 11, nearly 12, years. And I was with the same man for 17 years. We didn't have the perfect marriage but we had a good marriage. Things were never really that bad — we had good communication, great intimacy and lots of fun with plenty of laughter. We adopted a baby after several years of marriage due to the fact I couldn't have children. We both wanted this child more than anything. Once we became parents life was what seemed like nothing could possibly be any better for us. Then after about another 5, almost 6, years he had an affair and left us for his mistress and married her. We, my son and I endured the worst pain imaginable. But we became stronger and came through the whole thing pretty good I think. I got us both into counseling and now two and a half years later I am remarried to a wonderful man. I never thought I could love this deep or care and trust a man again. But I actually now wonder if I ever really loved my ex husband at all. I mean now that I am with my new husband it just feels so much more like a real love. He is a wonderful father to my son, and my son adores him. The things I hated to do with my ex husband I now love doing with my new husband. My problem is I wonder if there is such a thing as too good to be true. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I keep thinking that one day soon I am going to be faced with it all crumbling beneath my feet. I have so many fears, that he will get killed, or meet someone who makes him happier. My life right now is more perfect than I ever dreamed possible. With the exception that I sometimes get anxiety flare ups that it is all going to end. I have talked to my new husband about this and he always tried to reassure me that everything is ok and not to worry, he is head over heels in love, that wild horses couldn't drag him away from this family we have created. Do you think I am in need of some more counseling? Or do you think I should continue to keep some kind of guard up as to prepare me for the worst? I am making myself nuts with these fears. Please help me figure out my problem. Thanks. T. in Colorado Jan's response: Dear T. in Colorado, Real happiness is not contingent on anybody or anything outside ourselves. If your happiness is well-founded, it is not too good to be true. If it is well-founded, it is based on the truth — or love. The truth is part of love; there is no deception in love. When you did your best to make sure you and your son were okay (after your first husband left), you were aligning with your core values or your essence. That's the only way to be happy. The only way to be unhappy is to deviate from who you really are (or be untrue to yourself). And as you aligned with your values (or your inner truth), you were also aligning with love (or God, because God is love). You were bound to attract somebody who was loving! I hope that helps. I would be happy to do a one-on-one consultation with you by phone. If the fear persists, please talk with somebody. There is no fear in love — you don't want to feed it and allow it to erode with you have! :) Demanding too much of grandparents?... Has being a grandparent changed? I'm a 71 year old with 3 children and 7 grandchildren (7-18 yrs. old) all in the same city. I live in a 55+ retirement park in Florida. I can never remember grandpa and grandma being expected to be overindulgent and doting. When did attendance at birthing to every athletic event become the mandatory behavior expected of grandparents? I've traveled 1,000 miles for a graduation of the oldest — I was informed I was not a grandparent and never was because I did not want to attend a 3-hour softball game for a 7 year old. A folding chair that I could sit in (because of back problems) could not be supplied. I have traveled a number of times to visit the children and grandchildren but not once have they seen my home. The grandchildren do not seem to have a problem when we visit. The daily 3 hour after school time is usually spent in front of a TV. Yes, I do talk to them and look at school papers for as long as they want to talk. Parenting has never been easy and we make decisions that are not always popular but we try. I thought as long as I had raised 3 productive, well-adjusted adults that my job was done but today that does not seem enough. The children are very unhappy with me! So when did society change, leaving me behind again? Jan's response: Dear Grandparent, I think that children (and this could apply to both your children and your grandchildren) are more assuming than they used to be. They may feel that it is your responsibility to attend more events and activities than you care to. It's not, though. You can feed the notion that it is by showing up all the time. OR you can explain — from a loving place — that you will attend when you can do so from your heart. The only way to be happy is to be true to yourself. The only way to be unhappy is to be untrue to yourself. Give them a happy grandparent! :) The best person you can be is the also the best parent and grandparent you can be. Trust that...and take care of you! Invite them to your home when you want them to visit. Teach them to love well (showing up when you want to, rather than when you feel obligated to, will help). They will need a lot of practice — and it won't always be easy for them. But it is the most important thing they can learn in life...because only by loving well, can they be true to themselves, which means being happy. To love others well, we must know them well. We must let knowledge guide our caring. And we must understand that love serves their highest good — and not necessarily their whims. I hope that helps. If you think we're on the right track, but you need help applying what I've said, please consider allowing me to help with a one-on-one consultation. Perhaps we could even do it in person, since I live in Florida. I love you, but I'm not in love with you... I look forward to your column every week but I am in need of some personal advice. "I love you but I'm not in love with you," what does it mean? After four years of a relationship that had some ups and downs, this is what he says. Doesn't want me to move out, still wants to do things together but is not "in love." I am older by a decade and AM in love. Is there nothing to be said for great companionship, satisfying sex, similar interests...is it possible to just be friends??? Or is he just trying to have the best of both worlds until he finds who or what he is looking for? Jeanie Jan's response: Dear Jeanie, Thank you for reading my column every week! Which newspaper do you read? I think the best way to find out what HE means by, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," is to ask him. Don't be afraid of his answer and try to make sure he understands that you're not judging him, and that there is no wrong answer. You're looking for the truth...and that's the best way to get it. Apparently, he does think there's something to be said for what you have — he loves you and he doesn't want you to move out. :) Yes, it is possible to be just friends...but if you want more, you may want to take some time — away from him — before you try that. You can find some columns about "just friends" on my web site. To determine if he's just trying to have "the best of both worlds," again, I would ask him. Hopefully he can be honest with himself and with you. Maybe he hasn't thought about it on a conscious level. By looking for the truth, you can help him to find it as well. What's best for you in this scenario is also what's best for him (and vice versa). You can trust that. Can love be divided?... I read your column in our newspaper each week. Your column recently released...it seems you left the definition of "cheating" up to the reader. Its meaning is not cut and dried to me. I've fallen in love three times in my life. I feel that I've never fallen out of love. I love my wife and feel we are quite happy. I also still love my ex-wife who left me 15 years ago. Additionally, I still love my first girlfriend from when we were teenagers. I no longer have any relationship with my ex-wife, but my old girlfriend and I share a loving friendship. I've heard the term polyamory used (not sure if it applies) — I truly love you, just not you exclusively. I used to think my divided heart was damaged goods. It took eight years to decide that only being able to give my wife what's left of my heart would be okay. Parents have enough love for all of their children, is this so different? Jason Jan's response: Dear Jason, Thank you for reading the column every week. And, thank you for sharing your heart with me — it's privileged territory. I shall treat it as such. Yes, I left the definition of cheating up to the reader. I don't try to dictate morality — I like to let the reader find his own truth, his own values. Generally, they're not so different from mine; but when he finds them himself, he's less apt to feel imposed on or preached to. To me cheating means betraying a commitment. A heart that loves more than one person is not damaged goods. There is enough love to go around...as you said, "Parents have enough love for all of their children." The more we love, the better we are at loving. Loving is an art that takes practice. Love is also an attitude of the heart — we have it for everybody or nobody. There are different types of love, though — self, parental, romantic. We don't have to have the same type for everybody. Only you know if your love for an old girlfriend or an ex-wife conflicts with the love you want to have for your wife. Of course, if it does, you can do something about it. I hope that helps a bit. I think you'd find more clarity in my book "Naked Relationships." You can order one from my web site. Thanks again for sharing your heart with me! Dealing with in-laws, others... Have you ever written on how to deal with ex-in-laws? I am dating a very beautiful lady that needs to communicate with her ex-in-laws. Her ex-husband cheated on her and he was abusive (mentally, physically, verbally, sexually) towards her. I need advice on how to deal with ex-in-laws. Thank you. Jan's response: No, I have not written on how to deal with ex-in-laws. In fact, I'm not sure I have written on how to deal with in-laws. Perhaps you have inspired a column. All of your relationships stem from your relationship with yourself. Know and love who you are — and you will know and understand and love others. They are not so different from you. That said, I think there are some general rules: Treat people the way you would want to be treated if you were in their place. Don't personalize other people's behavior. If they are having a bad day, it is not about you; if they are unkind, it is not about you. Be true to yourself — do what you can do from your heart. YOUR behavior is about you. Don't be a martyr — do what works for YOU and be the best person you can be. The best person you can be is also the best boyfriend, in-law, stepfather or friend you can be. I hope that helps. Regarding expectations... Jan's response: I think you live in the moment. You realize that THIS is enough, you crave nothing more, you need nothing more. You're not regretting the past or looking forward to the future. This is it. This is enough. It's like watching a gorgeous sunrise or eating a chocolate truffle...at some point, you close your eyes and just "feel" it or bask in it. You don't want to be distracted by anything or anybody; you just want to BE with it. When we are truly in the moment, that's how we feel. We're not trying to anticipate or prepare — that would take away from the spontaneity, the magic. It's like kissing or loving well...you want to be present, be in the flow. Hope that makes sense. I love your question! When bitterness replaces faith and hope... I have read your columns and many other writers for years. You all have the answer, but tell me after years of searching for that special one, what does one do when time has taken its toll and bitterness has replaced faith and hope? If you attempt to answer this question please note that I have been there and done that. Sincerely, John Romac Jan's response: Dear John, Please realize that I can only help you with an answer if you want me to. Perhaps the most challenging words we can face in trying to help somebody are, "I know that." Bitterness didn't just come along. You fed anger and it grew into bitterness. You can also feed faith and hope, and replace the bitterness. I can help; I would love to help. Behind the anger/bitterness is pain. We can look at what causes the pain and heal it. I'm not saying pretty words or espousing what I believe to be a good theory. I'm espousing what I consider to be absolute truth. :) Healing and a second chance... My wife and I had a huge fight on March 18, 2007. I scared her very much when I grabbed her on the arms and around her neck. I snapped — I was stressed out, and she ticked me off. We had some problems before this. I left the house on March 23, I called after the weekend was over, no answer, left a message, I emailed her, no response. The next day, I was served with a restraining order. I was shocked. I entered into anger stress management counseling. The next week we went to court and she was scared to death of me. She was rewarded a permanent restraining order. I love her very much and I haven't talked to her now in almost two months. Is there any hope of saving my marriage or am I just holding on to false hopes? I talked to her mother and she said she was in counseling also. I figure give her time to figure out what she wants and maybe she will give me another chance. Our two-year anniversary is coming up in a week and a half. Do you think she will call and try to reconcile with me? Her lawyer says she is very afraid. What do you recommend I do? I called the other day and left a message telling her I would like a second chance and I was sorry for what had happened and that I have changed. Thanks, Justin Jan's response: Dear Justin, I am pleased that your wife recognizes how serious your physical abuse was, and that she has taken appropriate steps. I am also pleased that she has helped you to recognize the severity of your action. If you have truly learned from what has happened and from your counseling, perhaps your wife will realize that and give you another chance. I recommend that you give her more time...and that you give yourself more time. Please talk to your counselor as well and see what he or she recommends, based on your interaction. More counseling — and some books — may be in order. No, I do not think your wife will call on your two-year anniversary and try to reconcile. Still, I believe there is hope. Please continue on the path of healing! How do you make your mom understand... I am a sophomore in high school and will be 16 in May. I am very mature for my age as so many people have told me. I am writing this letter because I have a boyfriend a few states away and he is 8 years older than me. I know most people have a problem with this and I understand why. I do love him and he respects me and loves me for who I am. I met him here two years ago when he was on vacation and have been in a relationship ever since. It's hard to be in a long distance relationship when I never get to see him. I have been trying to get my mom to let him come see me for my 16th birthday, but she has stuck with no. He won't come unless she allows it. I don't know how to get her to say yes. Any advice on how to make her feel comfortable and let him come see me? I am very open to compromises. Roni Jan's response: Dear Roni, I think I understand how you feel. Nonetheless, I respect that he won't come unless your mom allows it. My advice is to change your goal. Instead of trying "to make her feel comfortable and let him come see" you, why not make your goal to talk to your mom and arrive at the best decision for everybody involved. That goal requires that you open your mind to the possibility that your mom is exercising wisdom. Please keep in mind that I'm not saying your mom is "right," or that you are "wrong." But when we open up to the possibility that somebody else's view point is just as viable as our own, we make way for truth and wisdom. We allow the highest good for everybody to be served. Perhaps you will share my response with your mom...and the two of you can talk, with the premise that you can both learn from the other's view and reach the best decision. Cheating or not, forgiving or not... Two years ago, I believe my husband was having an affair (which he denies). In the last two years, he has been a good husband and is not so friendly with other women by hugging them when he sees them. However, I still have this feeling inside, that if he had the chance with someone who would come on to him, he would get interested in her. He likes attention. He is going to be 65 years old. I am 63. He is balding and I believe it is bothering him. He was divorced in 1978 and was a single father for a long time. We married in 1998. Maybe all this is in my head and I can't forgive him for even ever thinking about cheating on me. He states, he loves me and would never cheat. Please reply. Jan's response: If you can do it from your heart, give your husband the attention he likes. And don't begrudge him the attention that other women may want to give him, provided it's appropriate. Even when we are self-actualized, it feels good when somebody finds us attractive. Do your best to find your husband attractive and let others find him attractive. I'm not suggesting that you invite an affair. I'm suggesting that you stop being so afraid of an affair that your husband doesn't fully enjoy you and others ... I'm suggesting that letting go is the best way to avoid an affair. As for your comment, "Maybe all this is in my head and I can't forgive him for even ever thinking about cheating on me," whether it is in your head or not, you must forgive him if you want to be happy. It is easier to forgive others when we have forgiven ourselves. It is easier to forgive others when we have looked at our own strengths and weaknesses, and realized that they coexist right along side each other. Perhaps you have thought about cheating at some point in your life ... and understand that even a good person, a faithful person, can think about cheating. And maybe a good person can even make a mistake. :) There is a chapter in my book "Naked Relationships" on forgiveness. And you can also find a column or two or three on the subject on my web site. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. It is a good heart. Letting go... Kay and I have been dating for 1 year now and we love each other very much, but 3 to 4 months ago her mother felt that I was not the right person for her daughter and has since then made sure that I was not to be in the picture. She is extremely controlling and very intrusive in all her children's lives and Kay is too scared to stand up to her and declare her love for me. We have been hiding our relationship from her now for 3 months and it's making Kay feel overwhelmed and anxious with all of the lying and hiding! What can I do to help her, to help us with this problem? Or is this a situation I probably will not win as Kay has pretty much always been submissive to her mother's iron fists? Jan's response: I think the best way for you to help Kay is to let go. Give her a chance to love you honestly and openly or not at all. Give her a chance to make a decision that reflects her values, one she can respect and stand up for — without feeling pushed by you or her mother. She may not be ready to do that ... but at least you will have helped her to get one step closer. And you will have taken a step forward on your own path as well. To help her carry out deception is not really helping her. Nobody can really make somebody happy... My relationship of almost a year and a half just ended suddenly after my ex's ex came back into her life. She was my first real serious girlfriend and I cared for her dearly. Now since this was basically my first real relationship, I'm still new at the dating scene and still young (only 20). Now I wasn't abusive verbally or physically in any way, but still not a good enough boyfriend to keep her, or else she wouldn't have left me for her ex. It has almost been a week and it's been tearing me apart inside. I was the one who broke up with her because she obviously wasn't happy with me and her being with him would make her happy, so I chose to end the relationship to make her happy. I want her back more than anything. Should I try one last romantic gesture to win her back or just move on? Much love, Tom Jan's response: Dear Tom, When a relationship ends, it's not because somebody wasn't good enough! It's because two people were incompatible. Think about it: There are plenty of women out there who are beautiful and intelligent and accomplished...who don't interest you. Maybe some of them are too old, too athletic, not athletic enough, too tall, too short, too studious — you get the idea. It doesn't mean that they are not good enough; it means that they are not well-suited for you, or that they don't fit your taste. Your taste can't make them any better or worse than they are. And nobody else's taste —or readiness to move on or commit — can make you any better or worse than you are. And neither you nor your ex's ex can "make" her happy. While many people look for somebody else to make them happy, it can't really happen. They may think it's happening at first, but people will always be disappointed when their happiness is contingent on somebody else! Nonetheless, I appreciate your pain...and I've been there. Often the pain is based — at least in part — on losing what we wanted to have, not what we really had, and the agony of rejection. But again, the rejection is not something to take personally. It's not about you. It's about somebody else's preferences (which could be very different from other people's preferences) and readiness. Hope that helps. You can find some great columns on my web site about breaking up. Move at your own pace... It was really good talking to you yesterday. Thank you for fitting me into your schedule. I felt much better about things after I spoke with you (I always do). I have to share something with you, because it's kind of what we were talking about ? the thing about “what would you do if you weren't afraid?” I had a date with a guy last night. It was our third date. He's very nice, funny, intelligent and very considerate. In short, I like him and I enjoy his company. I'm attracted to him but not overly, if you know what I mean. At the end of the first date, he kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for the date. I thought that was so nice. After the second date, he kissed me and then started kissing me again (hoping for a make-out session, I think) and I kind of kissed him and said thanks for a nice time. I got a call from him the next day apologizing for “trying too hard” and saying that he just likes me. I told him no need to apologize, I'm not anti-kissing, I just think that if we jump into certain situations too quickly, things will change. He was fine with that. Last night we had a third date and there was some hugging and kissing afterward. He e-mailed me later and we had a ?conversation? about being physical and I was honest with him. I'm not real sure if he understands because then he told me that I shouldn't be afraid to take a chance. He also said that he feels that time goes by so quickly, you have to grab onto things and whatever happens will happen. Well, Jan — I agree with most of that, but the thing is I don't feel the chemistry to BE physical with him — at least not yet. Doesn't mean I won't feel that way with time. Is this wrong?? I like the guy and he told me last night that he likes me a lot. I don't want to stop seeing him, but I don't want to keep blowing him off when he wants to be physical. Anyway, thanks again for yesterday. I appreciate you so much. You're my mentor and I love you for it. Take care ؏ be well. Love, Jan's response: I appreciate you so much, too! :) And I enjoyed our talk. Working with you is very gratifying, because you're intelligent and insightful and open to the truth. About this third-date guy, :) ... not being overly attracted CAN be a gift. Continue to enjoy his company. You're not blowing him off; you're just allowing yourself to be true to yourself, not to be intimidated. You don't have to feel more or do more at his pace, AND you don't have to stop seeing him because you don't. Sounds so trite, but he will — and does, I'm sure — respect you for sticking to what you believe in. The admonition not to be afraid is fine, but I don't think you're holding back physically out of fear. You might talk to him more, maybe more nakedly...I think it's okay for him to know that you're allowing time for your feelings to kick in — and not simply restraining them or your physical urges. One can jump in out of fear OR hold back out of fear. You might mention that to him. It could be interesting to see if he can/is willing to consider fear as a motivating factor for him to “grab on to things.” I'm not saying it is with him, but it's a chance to explore his depth and honesty, one of my favorite things to do. :) Enjoy! Be happy! Be free! Be true to yourself! I love you, People, without a home... I read your last Newsletter about the homeless with enthusiasm. I have been involved with the homeless for years; in our community, we are building a place for them. But many do not want a home or to assimilate into society. I met this beautiful homeless woman about 32 years of age. She lives in a shack she made by the railroad tracks. She drops by my house to shower, drink coffee, or leave her cart. We discussed her life. She said she had a daughter in a care home, that guys broke her heart, and she lost her mom and dad, so she took to the street. I asked her if I love her, would she accept me. She answered no, said she loved being free and likes living her way. Would someone like this make a good partner if she decided to come back to society?? Jan's response: I'm glad you found January's Newsletter of interest. It came from my heart If your friend decides that she really wants a partner to share her life with, then I think she could make a wonderful partner. And perhaps she just needs to open up and risk believing that it's possible to love somebody and be close, without getting hurt. Love is always worth the risk. :) Real versus internet relationship... I have been reading your articles for some time now and thoroughly enjoy both the topic and the insight that you have into relationship issues... I am a divorced 45-year-old woman who has recently met a man of the same age, quite by chance - face to face, (read on I'll explain it). We get along famously—interesting conversations, very passionate sexual encounters, great times out with friends, etc. After a 19-year marriage, this seems like the perfect fit for me. Anyhow, we have been dating for 2 years and have discussed living together, marriage, and a non marriage long term relationship. I am, well, maybe a bit old fashioned and not as worldly as let's say the 25 to 35 generation. In that I mean the hooking up, the internet relationships, the casual dating, friends-with-benefits, stuff like that. It has recently come to light that this man whom I have come to love “deeply” over the past 2 years has been continuing a long-term internet relationship for the entire time. I found out in a really harsh way (the late at night phone call and admission by him). I say harsh because it would seem that this (internet) relationship has now spilled into a “real world” relationship if she is calling late at night to his home and probably various other times to his cell too. How do you handle things like this? I am not from the internet world and I am having a really tough time understanding how you can trust someone that you have never met so much that you would invite them into your actual home world.... Is the real world relationship, the one that you can touch, now being replaced with internet relationships, that lead to the one you can touch? This may sound bizarre but I need some direction. Jan's response: Thank you for reading my column and sharing your heart with me. I don't draw a line between an “internet” relationship and a “real world” relationship. I think they're both real. I don't think internet relationships will ever replace face-to-face, in the flesh relationships. Certainly, they can lead to them, though. People meet on the internet, date, and get married. And it's easy to see how companionship, however lacking, on the internet could satisfy people enough that they would pursue face-to-face relationships with less fervor. I wouldn't blame your feelings on a lack of worldliness. And if you want to share more of your feelings or ask more questions, perhaps I could be of more help. I also offer free 15-minute coaching sessions. Wishing you the best of you--life and love, Walking down the aisle happy... I need some advice, and my friend told me to ask you. I'm getting married in May of 2008, and my parents are divorced. Well my mom is remarried. My stepdad and father don't get along at all. So when you're supposed to have someone walk you down the aisle, I picked my mom so I wouldn't have to deal with the fighting about who was gonna do it. Well, my dad just doesn't understand why I'm doing it...he said it shouldn't matter...that he could have had me with another girl instead of my mom. Well, that alone just crushed me. I don't wanna be upset for my wedding. I want it the way I want it. My fiance said that he doesn't want to see me crying at our reception. He said to tell my dad it's my wedding and it should be how I want it, and if he doesn't like it, to not come. Please help me out if it's possible. I'm desperate. Thank you so much, Jan's response: Dear Elaine, Yes, it's your wedding! And as you said, “I don't wanna be upset for my wedding, I want it the way I want it.” You also said, “I picked my mom so I wouldn't have to deal with the fighting about who was gonna do it.” Since it is your wedding, why not pick the person you really want to walk you down the aisle — without regard for “the fighting.” If you want your mom to do it, fine; but I don't recommend choosing her to avoid a fight — any more than I recommend choosing your dad now to avoid a fight. Regarding your dad's comment that he could have had you with another girl, I think he was simply making the point that he's the father, with or without your mother. He is. And the father traditionally walks the bride down the aisle. Of course, that doesn't mean you want your biological father to walk you down the aisle. You get to choose what feels good to you! And that's what I recommend you do. Who would you choose if you weren't afraid (of anything)? Choose that person. Be true to yourself and you will be at peace. Hope that helps! And you are quite welcome. Giving words to feelings... I have read and reread your book Naked Relationships and truly love it. This guy I've been seeing regularly since February introduced me to your book and I've been hooked ... I look forward to each Friday to read the newspaper article. Here's my question??? I have been separated from my husband of almost 20 years for about 1 year now and met this guy (who introduced me to your book) and truly love him in ways I've never felt with my husband ever. We spend every weekend together and get along really well. My only concern is that he never really expresses in words any of his feelings...(I love you). Should I be concerned? In every other way, we are truly connecting, but this bothers me and gives me that feeling I hate (when I am worried about something). I will feel like that during the week and then when I am with him from Friday night until Sunday, the feeling passes and I am fine when I'm with him. Do some guys just not verbally express their feelings? Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Roxanne Jan's response: Dear Roxanne, Thank you for reading my book and weekly column ... and offering me feedback! I'm so glad to know we have connected! You ask, “Should I be concerned?” You are concerned. :) And you should feel and understand that concern. You say, “This bothers me and gives me that feeling I hate (when I am worried about something).” Look at why it bothers you and try to understand your feelings and where they're coming from. Then, you can discuss more honestly and openly what you're feeling with him ... and I think it's important to communicate your feelings (without making him responsible for them). We generally find that what's missing in a relationship is missing in us! :) And what's missing in your relationship is the communication of feelings--on both sides. Note: Yes, some guys are less apt to express their feelings in words; so are some women (but it generally comes easier for them). We can all do better. If you're interested, I do individual and couples consultation — live and by phone — even offer a free 15-minute session. Thanks again. I appreciate your reading my work and trusting me with your heart. “Pig” Stuff... I hate to tell you this, but women of your generation, with this “pig” stuff — either in its “men are pigs” form or the “they're not really” form is exactly why so many men of my generation (the same as yours) simply can't tolerate women their own age and would much rather marry a woman who's of a younger generation. It's not just the biology — it's that women in their 40s and 50s in our culture have an entire set of repulsive ideas which, if they were directed against people of a different race (rather than a different sex) would be rightly identified as racism. I'm happy to say that after years of struggling with women whose political and social dogma treated men as if they were either emotionally crippled or simply evil (or “not really evil” which is the equivalent of “some of my best friends are Jewish”) — I have finally found true love — and started a family — with a woman who's 27 years younger. Younger women weren't indoctrinated with the same sad bull that infects most baby boomer women. It shows. In almost everything they do and say. It's really sad. I feel sorry for men who are married to baby boomers. Most of them are pretty miserable — it's like being married to a KKK member and being black. Jan's response: I see some truth in what you are saying ... and I appreciate your ability to articulate it. Beyond that, I simply ask that you re-read the column, I think, you are referencing, along with some of my other work. I write for a broad audience. Sometimes, I think I do it well. Other times, I wonder if my message of authenticity, to know and love and share all of self, to know happiness with a partner is, well, not what the masses want to hear. It's still the truth, though; and I don't want to promote less. I think you have generalized about women my age (not sure how old you think I am) and assumed I have a certain attitude (and, perhaps, a miserable husband). Maybe you have even demonstrated the prejudice you are accusing women my age of demonstrating. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think they are worth sharing on my web site. On long distance relationships... My name is Karen. I have emailed you in the past, and you have always been so helpful and insightful. And I am so very appreciative. I wanted your opinion on long distance relationships. I have recently been corresponding with someone who lives quite a distance from me. I live in New Jersey and he lives in Nebraska. When he emailed me the first time, I asked him if he realized where I lived. He responded yes, but was thinking since we are both teachers maybe we could just chat and become friends and you never know. Well, we've been speaking via telephone every day now for two weeks. I find myself looking forward to his calls and having feelings for him. I spoke to him again about the distance, but he said again maybe if we just continue to chat you never know, plane ticket out to NJ is only about $200 round trip. Before we started chatting I had decided to take a break from looking for someone and handed it over to God and the universe. Do you believe long distance relationships can work? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your help so very much. I always look forward to reading your monthly newsletters and find them so helpful. Jan's response: Dear Karen, Thank you for your kind words and for trusting me with your heart. I believe relationships can start out as long distance relationships. I also believe that to make them as close and intimate as we really want them to be, we eventually find a way to bridge the distance. :) And perhaps you and your friend will do exactly that. Of course, it will probably start with one of you buying a plane ticket. From there, you can take the next step. My most recent column addresses living in the moment. And you can also find a column that specifically addresses long distance relationships. What's the worst that can happen? I just read your email about Worry and Consequences. The words are so true, I do tend to worry about what will happen. I have often thought that by doing so, it would be easier to accept the worst that could happen and I would be that much more prepared. I can't say that I have changed my view in that respect, still would rather know the down side and the upside of things that might occur. Always a pleasure reading your words, has to make you think more about who we are and what we want and or can do in our own personal life. Take care, Jan's response: Dear Barbara, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with me. I think looking at the downside can be helpful ... it can help us realize that there is nothing to fear, nothing to stress about. The worst that can happen is okay. And when we get that, there's nothing left to be afraid of. :) I don't know where you live, but I think you would really appreciate my upcoming Saturday retreats — one in Ormond by the Sea, FL, and one on a farm outside of Lexington, KY. They address getting rid of our ultimate fear and owning the fullness of love. Speaking of soul mate ... Please correct me if I'm wrong but you seem less inspired now that you've found your soul mate. I have been expecting articles of bliss but they seem to be articles of dismay like deep soul searching along with crying. Your reactions to your new life seem less than what I would want in a soul mate relationship. Are you okay? Love, Terri Jan's response: Hi, Terri Thank you for sharing your perspective with me and asking me if I'm okay. You have me thinking about my last several columns ... and that's a good thing. :) Yes, I am okay, better than okay. I was very happy, incredibly happy, before finding my soul mate; but I am still happier now. As you may know, I have always believed that we could enjoy blissful relationships. And my relationship is everything and more than I believed for. My soul mate and I are both resolved to grow, and that means stretching, maybe falling down and crying. But we also laugh and kiss and play and act like little kids, more than I ever have before. It is blissful. I promise. :) And I will now try to make that clearer in the column. Thank you for inspiring me to do so. If you don't get my newsletter, you might want to subscribe (I think that's been happy :)). And I'd love for you to come to a talk or a retreat and meet my new husband — and share our joy. Telling a partner to “grow up” can be an excuse not to grow up yourself... I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years. One issue keeps coming up and I was hoping for your advice on how I am handling it wrong. My girlfriend and I will make plans to go to a movie or to a special restaurant and on several occasions she has been invited by a friend to go to these places just before we get the chance to go. I will always say, “we're planning to go to that or we had made plans to go to that restaurant together.” She always replies by saying something like, “we will still go together, I can see a movie more than once,” or “things like restaurants don't hold any special significance to me, they may mean something to you, but it means nothing to me.” I get upset and she tells me to “grow up, this isn't middle school” or “what did you want me to do, ask them to change movie choices or restaurant choices just because you and I had plans to go there.” Anyway, I am hoping you can share some advice with me how to best handle this. She told me I should “go ask a sane person if I'm wrong or if you shouldn't be upset about this.” Thank you and we both enjoy your articles. Jan's response: Thank you for reading my weekly column ... and for seeking my advice. When you and your girlfriend have plans to see a movie or try a restaurant together, I think it's disrespectful for her to repeatedly detract from your plans by seeing the movie or trying the restaurant ahead of time. Even if “the first time” is not important to her, it's apparently important to you. If you don't feel as though your girlfriend gives you priority as well as respect, I think you can both benefit from looking at why ... and doing something about it. That said, in a healthy relationship, neither partner feels insecure or threatened by plans made with friends apart from each other. When two people truly love each other, though, they want to spend time together and honor each other's feelings. I hope that helps some. I would be happy to offer you some coaching. And I'm wishing you the best of you — of life and love. Apologize or let him fade? In this age of the “he's just not that into you” hoopla, I've started to wonder. ...he called about every other day when we first met, he was really good at staying in touch, then it just dropped off; he was so “busy.” I busted his chops because if he wanted to be with me, then he would make the time. He changed for a little while, then I felt, well maybe he just talks a good game, because he wasn't living up to what he said he'd do. I spoke up again (well ... via text message) and after a week of not hearing back, I'm counting him out of the game. We had a nice time, we mostly stayed in and watched movies, he made me dinner, I met a few of his family members that were around when I stopped by. I really wanted to give him a chance, but I didn't want another absentee boyfriend, so I decided to speak up. Did I write him off too early? Do I suck it up and apologize and say maybe we should start over ... or just let him fade away in my mind? There were a couple weeks when I was sick, then he was sick ... so we got our schedule off, but I don't want to make excuses, I always make excuses for a guy. I'm trying to change! Thanks, C Jan's response: Dear C, I think you did “give him a chance,” and that he's “not that into you.” And I don't think you should apologize for expressing your feelings. You can do that without “busting his chops,” though. (smile) You don't have to make somebody wrong to express how you feel. You can walk away or let it fade without getting upset. I hope that helps. More than childish ... My fiance will hang up on me if I say anything at all that he doesn't want to hear, and then I won't hear from him for weeks, and it is after I initiate contact that we finally speak. This has happened 3 times already. Jan, he is 44 years old! Does this sound childish to you? Jan's response: Yes, it sounds childish. If the two of you can't communicate — even about things he doesn't want to hear — please don't marry him. Chances are, hanging up and the weeks that follow are about much more than the preceding discussion! Look at the issues. Try to resolve them if you want to. But please don't get married without at least making significant headway. If you're interested in relationship coaching — with or without your partner — I can help. : ) Being yourself to make a first impression ... I have always tried to be the “real” me and not “a fake best face,” especially when meeting women that I have an interest in dating. It seems women prefer the “social” face first before they will take a first step or a first date. I've come to this conclusion because girlfriends of friends mention to me that they were first unsure of me, figuring they were seeing my “best face” and that as time went by, they'd see the “real” me. Being yourself from day one, as you suggest, seems to present a problem ... Jan's response: People who expect you to let down a mask likely wear one. And if they prefer the “social” face before the first date, they are likely to prefer it later as well. You're looking for somebody who sees YOU and loves YOU. Hope that helps some. If I'm missing something in your question, I trust you to let me know. : ) Embarrassed Ex-girlfriend ...I recently left a relationship with a 39 year old man who was heavily into pornography. I didn't know about this habit until several months of dating. He masturbates to pornographic magazines nightly in the restroom, has a large library of adult videos, and often receives letters in the mail from women wanting money to have sex with him in motel hookups. We had endless fights and discussions and finally split. Then he promised not to engage in these types of behaviors if I took him back. Several months later I moved in with him, and it wasn't too long before he was up to his old tricks. It finally ended. He's telling friends and relatives that we broke it off because of my “trust issues and jealousy.” I hate that people don't know the truth. I can't stand that he has embarrassed me and gotten off so easily. Jan's response: When you really feel good about your own role in a situation, there's no need to be embarrassed. Don't make your embarrassment about him. It's not. It's about your own behavior. Forgive yourself for getting as involved as you did against your better judgment and move on. Knowing that you've learned a lot and that you won't do it again will help. Your lesson is worth what you paid for it. If you could have gotten it for less, you would have. : ) Don't worry about how easily he got off — chances are he hasn't gotten the lesson yet and is still paying for it. If he's addicted, he needs help. Wish him well. Learning to lead ... I've enjoyed your column for many years and your advice is very useful. One of the problems I've had in my past serious romantic relationships is my inability to lead. I'm talking about true leading, not dominating or being aggressive or a control freak. I believe that many of us men who want to do the right thing by our partners are too passive and have never had good role models on how to lead a woman and as a result our partners are unhappy. Your advice on learning and practicing leading in a committed romantic relationship would be appreciated. Jan's response: Wow! What a wonderfully honest and seldom-asked question! Rather than try to answer it by e-mail, I'd like to answer it in a column. I tentatively plan to address it in next week's — I've already written this week's. Please watch for it. It will be released on November 25 and posted on my web site on November 23. Thank you for reading my column (my words and heart). I'm so glad you've enjoyed it and found it useful. Sex as a reward? I was wondering if you can provide me with some advice. I've been in a relationship with the same person for 3 years now. The problem is that he feels when he has made an accomplishment (i.e., finishing a project) he should be rewarded with sex. We have sex regularly — I would say 3-4 times a week. I'm just bothered that he thinks we should use sex as a reward — instead of, for instance, going on a date. Can you help me out with this in any way? Thanks, Boston, MA Jan's response: Dear Boston, MA, If you don't want to reward him with sex, don't. Let him know how you feel about it. And when YOU finish a project or do something you think is worth celebrating, let him know how you'd like to celebrate. If he wants to accommodate you, he can. And if he doesn't, I don't think he should. I think he, too should let you know how he feels. Perhaps that gives you some perspective ...when he is the one who has something to celebrate, it makes sense for him to decide what feels like a celebration to HIM. That doesn't mean you have to go along with it, though. Be true to yourself. Do what you can do with your whole heart. I hope that's helpful. Why not spend the night? ... I have been involved with a man for five months. He was divorced for just a few months when we started seeing each other, and I had just separated as well. It was perhaps a bit soon for both of us, but there were a lot of sparks, and a lot we have in common, and it seemed too good to pass up. Anyway, we have had an intimate relationship, however he will not spend the night. When I've asked him why, he says he can't explain it, but that he's not comfortable. It makes me feel bad, and I've told him this, but he doesn't seem able to do anything about it. He says he doesn't want to make me unhappy, but he just isn't comfortable. Do you have any idea what could be going on here? Jan's response I don't know if it matters so much WHY he's not comfortable spending the night. The fact that he's uncomfortable is an indication that you want more than he wants to give you right now. And the gap may narrow or widen. I suggest you explain to him that you'd like to understand why he's uncomfortable. If he's not ready or open enough to discuss it with you, then you have to ask yourself if it makes sense to be in an intimate relationship with him. If you're going to continue seeing him, accept what he's ready to give. Otherwise, you'll probably both be at least a bit uncomfortable and unhappy. Apparently, he's doing what works for him. You're responsible for doing what works for you. : ) I hope that helps. And I'm wishing you the best of life and love. Saying those three little words ... This article about knowing when you're in love has resonated deep inside me. The man I'm in love with (now I know for sure after reading your article) and I have not spoken those words to each other. We've known each other almost a year and have been dating exclusively since the beginning of January. His basic philosophy is “actions speak louder than words” because we spend almost all of our free time together and have traveled together to meet family, have met each other's children, co-workers and so forth. I feel like I am very much physically part of his life, but emotionally I'm not so sure. I don't know if I'm placing too much emphasis on those “three little words” but to me it seems if you feel those words, you say them. I want to say them so badly because I feel them so deeply for him. We have incredible chemistry, but I feel it's gone way beyond that now because I do feel like I know him deeply and our relationship gets better every day. I know there's no time line for saying “I love you” and I guess I'm terrified to say it first in case he doesn't feel the same way. Any advice? Jan's response Actions do speak louder than words, but they are wonderfully enhanced by words. When we're blessed with both actions and words that say the same thing, we have a sense of harmony. You want all of him ... and he can confirm that you have all of him by verbalizing how he feels. And ... you can do the same for him. : ) Talk to him. Let him know that you don't want to read between the lines and that you don't want him to have to do that either. And also let him know that words are important to you — some people are more auditory than others (there's a good column on my web site about strategies for feeling loved, auditory being one of them). Ask him what's important to him, what makes him feel most loved. Make the conversation something that benefits both of you, as well as your relationship with each other. I suspect he loves you very much. Don't be afraid that he doesn't. It's really ok either way. And the sooner you know, the better. : ) How do you deal with disparity in income? How do couples handle their finances when one makes $1.5 million a year and the other makes $43,000 a year and also have it feel like an equal partnership? Thanks, Karen Jan's response Dear Karen, I would venture to say that there are virtually no couples (in which both partners are working) with that much disparity in income. So, I can't tell you how other people are doing it. I can tell you that money doesn't determine a person's worth. It does provide freedom to do what you consider valuable. You get to contribute whatever you want to your relationship ... and it would seem that you might want to contribute something other than the $43,000. I'm not assuming you aren't already — maybe you love your work and doing it is part of your being a happy, self-actualized person. In that case, you're contributing a healthy, fulfilled partner to your partnership. And, if your partner is only contributing money, you're contributing more than he is! Money buys choices and a comfortable lifestyle. It doesn't buy self-esteem or integrity or love. You may want to check out my recent column What Distorts Your Perception and my book Naked Relationships. I also offer very affordable relationship coaching. : ) Are some people intended to be alone? I have been reading your column for a few years now and I enjoy it very much. I am a 53 year old male who has never been married. I would like to ask you this question: Do you believe that some people are meant to go through life alone? I did a lot of dating in my younger years and I met some good and some not so good. The last few years I have been having trouble getting a date, and I admit sometimes I don't try as much as I should. I want a REAL relationship, but I have been meeting all the wrong people which has left me with a lack of confidence. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to and I can't and this leads to my frustration. Everyone seems to be wrapped up in heir own lives that they can't seem to notice that others need to talk. I noticed today that you are having a program near me in Sept. here in NJ. I hope to be there because I would like to see and hear you in person. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Thanks for letting me vent a little bit. Jim C. Jan's response Dear Jim, thank you for reading my column and letting me know that you enjoy it! I believe that those people who want to go through life alone are intended to go through life alone. I believe we are all intended to follow our dreams, to live our truth, to make choices that align with the essence of who we are. You're meeting the people you're attracting. Try to align your behavior and your life with who you want to be, who you really are. When you do, your confidence will go way up. And body language is the most significant factor in first impressions. It's okay that you need somebody to talk to; but if you come across as needy, people will pick up on that. If you really need to talk to somebody, talk to a trusted friend. It's difficult for somebody you've just met to want to play that role. You're right — many people are wrapped up in their own lives. And maybe right now you're so wrapped up in yours that those are the people you're attracting. Nurture yourself so that you have something to give and time to listen as well as talk. And, by all means, I hope you'll come to my talk on September 29. How much interest should you show? I've read and re-read your articles. They are very inspiring. Thanks for helping me through hard times. I do have a question, which I'm sure you've been asked over and over again. I've been dating man after man and finally I've met one that I “think” is different. It's only been a week, but our first few days together were really great! How do you know what's right and what's “overboard” as far as showing interest. From what I gather, he is interested in me, but I'm afraid I've scared him away already by sending him messages that I'm thinking of him, etc. (Not obsessively, but like two over the last three days for instance.) I'm so sick of the games ... and I'm just SO afraid of doing anything wrong (from past experiences) that I feel my insecurities are overtaking me and that that will be the demise of this relationship. I know I have huge issues when It comes to men, and I'm working on them, but I just don't want to blow it ...I don't know if my heart, ego or brain can take any more. Thanks for your insight and inspiration. I'm grateful, Sincerely, Jan's response Thank you for reading my weekly column. I'm so glad you've found it helpful : ) What would you do if you weren't afraid? If that means calling/e-mailing twice a day, so be it. If that means waiting for him to call, so be it. Be yourself! And if that scares him off, it's okay, really. You want to be free to be exactly who you are ...and know that somebody loves you for you. Don't take a lack of interest personally. Somebody else can't make you more or less of a person. And somebody else's preferences don't make your qualities more or less desirable. I like hair on a man's chest. Maybe you don't. It's simply a matter of preference. Hope that helps some. I'd be happy to do a coaching session with you — live or by phone. And if you haven't read my book Naked Relationships, I'm sure reading it would help with your “issues” and “insecurities.” : )
Please keep reading and let me know if I can help. Stay or go I have dated my boyfriend for 3 years, 9 months. I am 32, he is 43. Neither of us has been married. I have openly talked of wanting marriage, and he loves to dodge the topic as much as possible. When we discuss marriage it is more like a debate than a loving conversation/plan. We get along well until we debate our future and where our relationship is headed. We have broken up over this issue numerous times. I have not returned his calls for over a week presently. I told him if he figures it out, great... call me and tell me (I feel he can let me know on a voice mail...I don't want to talk unless he says he has figured it out). If he doesn't figure it out, then at least he hasn't used any more of my time. Any advice? Jan's Response Moving on is good! I hope you'll do it out of love for yourself (and him), rather than anger for him. If you think talking jeopardizes your resolve to move on, letting him leave a message is fine. Otherwise, it's OK to talk and allow both of you to get more closure. And even if he does want to get married at this point, it doesn't automatically mean he's the one. Hope that's helpful. Getting comfortable in your own skin That was an interesting talk with you today... I heard what you said about what might be good for me, I did hear you. : ) I also heard what you said being comfortable in my own skin. And you know that's a big part of why I fail relationship-wise, because I really am not. In some strange way, it's good for me to say that. And now I have to think about it more, what it means and how to move out of that. I wanted to tell you I am contemplating taking an apartment of my own. I have been fighting with that for awhile. I have a fear issue living alone. I have lived alone before and I just never got comfortable staying alone at night. I hated that feeling of not having someone else in the house and I never slept well. When I moved back home, I was able to sleep well again. Do you ever hear that from women? Jan's Response I have heard of women sleeping better when somebody else (particular a spouse) is in the house. But... I think, in your case, taking an apartment is an important step toward getting comfortable in your own skin! I also think it's an important step toward finding the relationship you want. You may, on some level, be substituting family (not sure exactly who you're sharing a home with) for the romantic relationship you want. And because you're feeling more ready for that romantic relationship, you're also feeling more ready to move out. Those are my thoughts. You get to decide if they fit. : ) Take care. And I look forward to hearing more about the doors you're opening. Making a clean break ... My boyfriend/friend and I have been dating on and off for more than 3 years now. He is the one who almost always breaks up the relationship. He has become emotionally and physically abusive in the past. I don't know why I can't say no to him, or why I can't seem to put my foot down and stop seeing him. I have had plenty of other offers from other men to date, but every time my boyfriend comes back around after a few weeks of being “broken up,” I stop seeing the other guys so that I can be with him. He told me just a few days ago that he can't handle being anything more than friends with me. I don't know if I can be just friends. Frankly, I don't want to worry about having to see him with another woman. Do you have any advice for me? Jan's response My advice is to make a clean break. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be a very good choice right now for a boyfriend or a friend. And if you don't maintain contact, you'll be less inclined to “be with him” when he changes his mind again. Sometimes what we can't quite tame seems very appealing to us. Don't let the fact that he pulls away and seems just beyond your reach fool you. You don't want him! Really. : ) There are several columns on the newspaper page of my web site on breaking up that I think you'll find very helpful. May you know the very best of you — of life and love. How do we stop wanting what's bad for us? I just read an article from you in the paper and wanted to ask a quick question. The article was titled “What's the real devastation of breaking up.” I have to ask. I recently ended an 8 month relationship with someone that I really care about, however, I feel like we are not on the same page. We both have come from bad relationships in the past and have problems communicating. I have never been involved with someone who only sees things his way. He seems to me to have a problem with taking responsibility for his actions and is always blaming someone else for his mishaps. Even though I know he is not good for me, I do care for him very much and am having a hard time letting go. I have someone else I've been sort of seeing and he will give me the stars and the moon but I can't help but think about the other one. What can I do to forget Ryan and try to move on? Thanks, Melissa Jan's response Melissa, thanks for reading my weekly column and sharing your heart with me. Congratulations for ending the relationship with Ryan that wasn't good for you! Sometimes we want what is just out of our reach — you may feel challenged to tame Ryan. You may think the fact that he's “hard to get” somehow makes him a better catch or more worth having. It doesn't, though. You may also feel as though you are supposed to be able to make it work. You cant change Ryan. You CAN make healthy choices for you. Try to rest in the knowledge that you know you're doing the right thing. It will get easier. You might also ask yourself what you had with Ryan that you miss. Your answer to that might be a good reminder that you need and want to move on. I don't have enough details to know if this applies, but ... the person who cares the least in a relationship has the power. And the person without the power can feel as though she's “under the influence.” If this applies, you've escaped! Don't go back. : ) Hope that helps. |